Denise Richards: It’s Complicated Recap1.3 -- No Jacket Required ( Part 2)

Denise explains that she has a meeting with “a big producer” and wants him to see a “less sexy side” of her. Michelle says “Oh okay.” like that makes sense.
Denise demonstrates for real that the shirt is, in fact, merely a dickey by yanking it out of the top of her sweater. Irv enters and loves the outfit. “You look like a business woman almost. Very professional.” he says. She usually looks “professional” , just in a slightly different connotation.
They all agree that the outfit is perfect. Irv hopes the meeting goes well. “And if it starts going south start unbuttoning some of those.” suggests Michelle. “Yeah, I’ll take my clothes off for him.” jokes Denise. Funny cause it’s true, Denise.
It’s the day of Denise’s big meeting. She’s nervous. She hugs Joel (good start), he’s credited as “producer of Die Hard and The Matrix” and she’s introduced to some other woman who works for Joel.
This whole thing seems awkward to me. I mean, most of us know what this kind of networking interview is about, whatever business you’re in. You go seeking advice, but secretly you’re hoping the person will love you and give you a job or at least a lead on one. But sometimes they just give you advice, because that’s what you asked for. Conveniently, Joel Silver advises Denise to pursue sitcom television, something he doesn’t appear to be involved in. I don’t think that’s accidental. Maybe she should have worn the slut clothes.
Joel holds forth like someone who really doesn’t give a shit but just likes to hear himself talk. He says that she’s “very funny” and that people don’t realize how funny she is. Denise asks if he thinks she could play a “girl next door part.” There’s a noticeable editing thing where it sort of seems like he answers that question in the affirmative but I’m not really sure that he did. The issue here isn’t about Denise’s personal life, or image. The issue here is that Denise is very attractive, but can’t act for shit.
The woman starts talking and you can see Denise’s eyes glaze over. I don’t think she knows how to talk to intelligent women, which this woman seems to be. The woman gives her decent advice about not veering between two extremes and Denise says “Exactly.” in a way that makes it clear she’s not listening and only wants to hear from Joel Silver.
Joel says “You’re young, you’re beautiful, you have a lot going for you.” I can’t help but notice that he does not say “you’re talented”
He ends up by telling her to follow her path and dorkily adds “You know, Neo, in The Matrix, he followed his path, you know?” Yes, Denise, pattern your career on Neo’s life.
She leaves and goes in for the full body hug again. Joel compliments her on her “conservative look” as she exits. Which kind of defeats the point of dressing that way, if everyone knows it’s a costume and that usually you dress like a club slut.
Denise returns home where Kim and Trish are sitting on the floor of her bathroom, apparently just waiting for her. She claims the meeting went really well and Joel Silver said she should do a sitcom. Note, he did not offer her a sit come or direct her towards someone who would. He just suggested it. So of course, now Denise has abruptly decided to mold her entire career path based on this offhand advice. If I were this woman’s agent I would want to strangle her daily. She pulls off her conservative top, letting us all see her bra and pulls on a tank top, while checking herself out in the mirror.
She claims that Joel Silver said that she could “definitely play, you know, smart, girl next door type of parts” which we absolutely did not hear him say.
So now she’s not going to do Playboy, she’s going to do Shape because she wants to do something “for women.” “Maybe I could do Playboy later. And we could all go to St. Barthes.” The ladies laugh.

Denise is in the kitchen with her father and her daughter Lola. She decides to take this opportunity to tell him that she’s decided to do the cover of Shape instead of Playboy. Irritatingly, she decides to censor the conversation about it in front of her daughter by spelling out P-L-A-Y-B-O-Y , sayings she can still be S-E-X-Y without being too S-L-U-T-T-Y. So that people won’t think she’s a W-H-O-R-E. Irv agrees.
“Lola,” she asks her daughter, who for some inscrutable toddler reason is sucking on a big slab of ice “can you spell? Because when you can spell I’m in big trouble.” Unfortunately, it’s when her daughters can read that Denise should worry about. But far be in from me to ruin this warm family moment.
Later on, Denise tells her Dad she’s got a “big surprise” for him upstairs. I hate surprises on reality television for the same reason I hate them in real life. They’re usually lame.
Irv walks upstairs carrying Michelle’s baby. Irv as grandpa is pretty cute. He finds Michelle, Kim and Denise looking intimidating in the bathroom. They seriously eye him like they’re a girl gang and they’re all about to rumble.
“Okay, here’s the deal:” Denise says gratingly “Nellie and I have had a uni-brow since we were five years old. And so we’ve had to groom our brows. And not that you don’t groom your brows…” He does!?!? “ I think we can groom them a little more.”
Their solution to this problem is to have to Kim wax Irv’s brows. He does more sexual-sounding moaning like he did in the spa. I really like Irv but he creeps me out a little in this episode. “It frickin’ hurts” he complains. “Imagine…your..vagina” Denise says incoherently while struggling to open a bottle of wine. She just isn’t happy unless she gets to say vagina once an episode. It is wearisome.
“Since I don’t have one I can’t imagine it, but I wouldn’t want you to be waxing my crotch.” See what I mean about Irv this episode? Is this necessary? Does Denise let the girls watch the show? Who needs to hear about Grandpa’s crotch? Irv, you can do better.
“God, God… darn Denise” grouses Irv, lovable for not swearing “You didn’t have to have her do the ears”
Then Denise has one more thing for him, despite Irv’s insistence that he’s “good.” He does look better.
A woman enters with one of those rolling suitcases. “Guess what Alana’s doing for you?” asks Denise. “I have no idea.” lies Irv, clearly hoping that he’s finally going to get his happy ending.”Sunset Tan.” he reads with disappointment off her tight tank top. “I’m getting my dad a spray tan.” Denise informs us in interview “Because I get a spray tan. ” And laughs evily. That is logic that could get Irv in trouble pretty quickly.
Irv insists he’s not taking his clothes off and creeps us out further by saying “Couldn’t they have sent somebody ugly if I have to take my clothes off?” Everyone laughs like this is funny and not uncomfortable. I don’t even want to parse why that’s a problem for him.
Irv stands in the shower in his tighty-whities and a shower cap saying “This is embarrassing.” Why yes it is, Irv. Sunset Tan lady looks like she wants to die. She begins to spray him and asks “What are you tanning for?” Irv has no idea, ask Denise. Blah blah red-carpet event, Irv complains.
Hey it’s Michelle’s husband Brandon! He’s kind of cool, in a dicky older brother kind of way. Irv looks truly ridiculous standing there with his arms out like Jesus getting spray tanned in his briefs. Brandon stands in the door and laughs at him like a tool. “We’ll keep this between you and I.” he lies ungrammatically in front of the cameras.
Irv stands there orangley in a white bathrobe. “I have one last thing.” says Denise threateningly. “I don’t trust her.” says Irv, which is pretty much the smartest thing he’s said all episode.
Next day at the Richard’s ranch.”Guess what came? “ demands Denise “I ordered you a suit.” “My dad has been such a great sport during his makeover.” she gushes. We see a brief montage of the treatments that Irv has undergone.

Denise tells him that when she goes to events she has “hair and makeup come.” And that they’ll be doing “men’s grooming”on him. Irv laughs and asks what that means. I think he would have figured that out by now.
We see Irv sitting in Denise’s enormous bathroom getting a smock pulled around him. There appear to be about 6 people there to work on them. Oh dear, they’re coloring Irv’s hair. They dye his gray hair and he eyes himself in the mirror rather vainly. I think it looks pretty awful. I mean, I’m sure it’s a nice dye job but he looked better with gray temples.
Denise and her father walk down the stairs of her house arm and arm. “I’m excited.” Denise says in her dead voice. “This is the first time we’ve done this since Starship Troopers.” Only in Denise’s world does anyone actually even remember that movie. And I suppose she didn’t bring Irv to the premiere of Wild Things.
They show a shot of Graman’s Chinese Theater in LA but it’s not clear if that’s where the event actually is taking place or it’s just a random “Hollywood” shot. Denise and her father stand on the red carpet and a reporter says “I hear that you had a makeover.” to Irv. “A spray tan maybe?” she notices. “A spray tan.” he answers ”In my underwear.” Was that necessary Irv?
There’s a bald guy standing behind them acting like he’s listening to their conversation but clearly trying to get some press for himself. He looks familiar and it’s killing me. Not like really famous familiar, more like random D-list familiar.
Irv and Denise exchange niceties for us: “thanks for coming” “It was nice” etc. and hug. More meaningless summing up in the limo about Mom passing away, moving forward, etc. Trust Denise to try and make a stunt makeover for her Dad into something faux-meaningful. Denise says that her mother would be “so proud” of him. Including the stuff about the Vietnamese massage? I’m not so sure.
We end with Denise talking about her Shape cover photoshoot. Predictably enough she’s “so excited.” This time it’s because she gets to work with her “two most favorite [sic] models, Sammy and Lola.” It’s the Mother’s day issue and they’ve decided to feature Denise and her daughters. Apparently this makes Denise miss her mom so she cries. They take some nice pictures of her and the girls and then, according to Denise, it’s time to “spice it up for the cover.” Denise stands around in hooker shoes and a red bikini. Denise tells us (another thing she says nearly every episode) that it’s okay to be a mom and still be sexy.
Coming up next week: Personal assistant drama. And a stripper pole.

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated Recap1.3 -- No Jacket Required ( Part 1)

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated (No Jacket Required)

Denise considers posing for Playboy, while everybody tries to talk her out of it; Denise prepares for her meeting with Joel Silver; Denise gets her father a makeover, before they attend a red carpet event.

Denise is getting spray-tanned in her shower. “It’s nice and warm today!” she exclaims, presumably about the tanning fluid. “So you going dark-dark?” asks the faceless spray tanner as we see a side-view of Denise’s butt with a weird blurred out area that intersects with the tanners elbow. “I look like a fat-ass.” Denise complains, slightly arching her back for the cameras to better display her perfectly formed posterior. I expect spray tanners are pretty much contractually obligated to be synchophantic and supportive about people’s bodies whether or not they’re on camera, so of course the tanner insists that Denise looks good and asks if she’s been doing Pilates. Denise says that she has, but not as much as she should be, because she’s just so busy with the “girls and stuff.” The spray tanner coos some more supportive things at her. They’re like hairdressers in that way, I guess.

Denise says “This hot body’s made me a few millions, with these [bleep].” I seriously cannot quite figure what that bleep is supposed to be obscuring. There are quite a few options, but I’m going to go with “labial flaps”.

Denise throws her head back and laughs evily, further cementing my dislike for her.

Credits. It’s kind of amazing that a show that was supposed to make the average person like Denise has actually, at least for me, taken someone I didn’t feel particularly strongly about and made me despise her. Denise Richards: It Backfired. Good work Seacrest productions!

Shots of fancy LA. Denise enters a tony tea room in an attractive deep orange dress to meet her agent, Chuck “Hot Lips” James. His face stretches into a grimace of pleasure when he sees her.

“You know, Playboy’s been hounding us again…” Chuck tells her. “And you got the offer, to do another cover.”

“Really? Oh cool.” says Denise. “After two kids!” Yes, Denise, we get it. You have a nice body.

They have this kind of blatant conversation about how doing Playboy won’t “hurt” her and whether or not it will “help” her. I guess they’re talking about her career but conversations like this depress me a little. I mean, what’s the goal here? Obviously Denise is pretty talentless as an actress, but a lot of people have done more with less. But it’s not like she’s got this burning desire to “create” that motivates her to do other things to pay the bills. I mean, I guess she just wants to be really famous, for something besides her divorce. And really, really rich for no reason. Because what would be the point, otherwise? Sheen’ll foot the bill for the kid’s college.

Chuck’s enormous mouth flaps as he asks if she’s “comfortable” doing it. “I’ve learned to just embrace it and be who I am and I’ve made a lot of money with my boobs.” she answers. We see a quick succession of naked Denise pics, naughty bits obscured by dollar signs while a cash register cha-chings. Klassy.

Chuck also reveals that he spoke to the producer, Joel Silver. “Yeah and you know, he loves you and we’re gonna set up for you to meet him.” Denise is excited because she wants legitimate producer Joel Silver to advise her on her career. I could make a whole lot of crass jokes here about what exactly it is that Joel Silver “loves” about her and how “meeting” him could help her career but I’m going to restrain myself except for referring to Chuck James as “Pimp Lips” from here on out.

Denise is “so excited” to meet Joel Silver and wants his advice about her image and her career. She tells Pimp Lips that “her publicist” (who apparently he does not know by name) called and told her that she got the offer to do the cover of Shape magazine. Pimp Lips proves his worth as a career advisor when he points out that posing for Shape is obviously different than posing for Playboy. “Clothes, no clothes” he says wisely. Then he tells her that she should ask her Dad what he thinks.

“I know what he’s going to say,” says Denise “but he’ll get over it if I decide to do it.” Why ask him if you know he won’t like it and you’re going to do it anyway?

Denise rides in her SUV and calls her Dad and tells him she got an offer. “You mean an offer like a movie or something?” Irv asks hopefully. Poor, deluded Irv all thinking that Denise still fields movie offers. That’s cute. He probably wants her to make more money so she can hire someone to clean up after those damn dogs. “Not quite.” lies Denise. Predictably enough, he’s not happy about the idea of her doing Playboy. “Gosh.” He says. “Oh boy.”

More advice-seeking from “I’m just gonna do whatever I want anyway” Denise as she sits in her kitchen with Sister Michelle. Michelle pulls a face at the notion of Denise doing Playboy again, and says “I don’t know. I kind of think you shouldn’t.” Why? Denise asks. “If you were possibly wanting to change your image somewhat this is not the way to go.” says Michelle. A decent point, but hearing so much about Denise’s image and how she wants to change it when she has apparently agreed to this insult of a show grates on me. I mean, if you’re going to be that blatantly manipulative about your image, at least be good at it.

Denise doesn’t see the downside of doing Playboy again since she’s already done it and everyone has already seen her naked. Which isn’t really the point. The point is not whether or not people have seen you naked but rather whether or not people think you are the kind of person, or at the point in your life, where you will take your clothes off for money. Everybody’s seen Jenny McCarthy naked too, but now they just think of her when they want to freak themselves out about immunizing their kids. (Thanks Jenny!)

“And then I have to cancel my subscription again!” whines Irv which, much as I like Irv, is a little gross.

Denise and her father are in the backyard picking up dog poop with a large shovel and a small rake. No really, that’s what takes place during this conversation. Poop scooping. Little, adorable, stupid pure-bred dogs run around pooping in the yard. Oh, and there’s that pig again, sniffing one of the dogs in a sexually suggestive manner.

Denise tells her dad that she has a red carpet event to go to for a cancer research charity. “I lost my mom to cancer late last year.” she tells us over still shots of her with her mom. Her mom was kind of pretty. “It’s been so devastating on my entire family.” she says, ungrammatically. She definitely wants to support cancer research she tells us. She also definitely wants to attend as many red carpet events as possible and isn’t invited to the really important ones anymore since she’s no longer married to Charlie (she doesn’t tell us.)

Her dad asks her who she’s going to go with and she says she wants to go with him. He’s sitting on a swing on the girls swing set looking cute and awkward. “No, you’re not gonna take me,” he says “Take somebody good-looking and young and someone that dresses really nice and someone that’s in their element.” Presumably such a person would also have to want to be seen in public with Denise Richards, which Irv clearly does not. “I’m out of my element.” he says. I think what I like about Irv is that in spite of being Denise’s dad, in spite of being on this show, he just never manages to come off like he’s whoring himself out for the cameras. I don’t quite know how he pulls it off, but he does. Maybe it’s because he seems vaguely embarrassed, but eternally game, all the time.

Denise insists that she’ll get him something to wear so that he’ll look amazing and feel comfortable. She thinks it’s important for her Dad to go to this event with her. He’ll think about it. She says he’s going. “I’m dateless, you’re my date.” she says and laughs hollowly.

There’s a random shot of horses as we return to the Richard’s ranch. Do they have horses or are those someone else’s?

Denise’s friend Trish arrives. Denise wants her help picking something to wear. Denise is holding one of her dogs in one hand, sort of by the neck. He struggles futilely. “I want to look…” “conservative.” interrupts Trish. “Appropriate for having my Dad as my date.” finishes Denise. The implication here seems to be that Denise dresses like a street walker on purpose sometimes.

They flip through a row of hangers on a clothes rack. The clothes on the rack actually mostly look like tops and skirts and day dresses to me. Like some PA just grabbed a bunch of clothes and stuck them on a rack. Details like that irk me.

As they pretend to look through clothes Denise tells Trish that she got another offer to do Playboy. “Okay: no.” says Trish. “That’s easy.” It’s actually pretty funny when she says it.

“Why nooooot?” whines Denise. “You’ve already done it.” says Trish. “You just played like, two porn stars, didn’t you? Like back to back.” she adds, sending me off to imdb.com. I guess she must be talking about the character “Autumn Bliss” in some film called Deep in the Valley that looks awful and also stars Kim Kardashian and some other character named “Bliss” in a movie called Finding Bliss that is definitely about the porn industry. Wow, Denise’s imdb.com entry is looking pretty bleak lately. And the ” Bliss” thing is just weird. It makes think like maybe these are the sorts of movies where you just get to make up your own character name because no one ever actually calls your character by name so it doesn’t matter. Like porn.

Trish decides to demonstrate to Denise why she can’t do Playboy by doing “an internet search” on her name. Like that’s not what happens all the time in that house anyway.

The image search results are blurred, presumably because they’re all involve nudity. Do a similar search and you’ll see what I mean. Don’t do it at work though. Trish kind of rocks in this segment because she totally picks on Denise, which can’t happen enough for my taste. The only thing that would make it better would be if Denise got really mad, but she just laughs it off ,unfortunately.

“Oh here you are!” Trish says brightly “Straddling the beach! What are you wearing in this? Seaweed?” she snarks. We see a blurred out shot of Denise doing a pelvic thrust in the water from her Playboy pictorial.

“That looks classy and good.” giggles Denise. “Who’s on the beach like this?” asks Trish, bending back in imitation.

“Here’s Denise straddling some man in a bed.” I’m not sure I know that one. “Here’s Denise making out with another woman.” Well, everyone knows that one. Wow, no wonder Old Blond Friend Kim is promoted to “Best Friend” by the end of the series. Trish is kind of mouthy.

“She has nice lips. We had a good time.” says Denise. “I see that.” says Trish drily.

“Oh this should be good, Denise Richards on Mr. Skin.com.” Trish really knows her way around the softcore internet. She makes the point that this sort of thing is Denise’s image. Well, Denise’s image lately is more vindictive ex-wife. But also this.

For no real reason at all, they show us a few clips of Denise and Neve Campbell kissing . Trish claims the clip has “four stars in the hall of fame of nudity.” Denise just needs to accept that his questionable moment was probably her finest hour career-wise. It’s all downhill from there.

Irv calls up the stairs that Chuck’s on the phone. For once, he’s not holding one of the dogs. Denise goes into her office to have one of those shouty speakerphone calls shows like this are always doing. Pimp Lips has set up a meeting with Joel Silver who has apparently been “a fan” for a long time. I don’t think it’s coincidence that we hear this immediately after seeing a clip from Wild Things. He suggests that she dress down for the meeting and advises that she “Just make it sort of about everything else Denise Richards “ I find Chuck kind of vague.

“Thanks Chuck. I’m excited.” says Denise woodenly.

She rejoins Trish and tells her about the meeting and that she has to dress “really down. Nothing sexy. Tone down my look.”

“We should go shopping.” says Trish. If Denise has nothing in her closet that can possibly be appropriate for this meeting, she really does need What Not to Wear. “Plus it’ll be fun for you to wear a new outfit. It’s a whole new chapter in your life.” I think that’s taking this a bit far.

Trish suggests that she bring “Classy Kim.” We see a fair bit of Kim throughout the series and she is many things, including funny, but classy I’m not so sure about. Denise might have more luck with “Miyoko stripper pole expert”.

We’re given a brief intro to Kim. “Adorable, perky and crazy and we’re like sisters.”

A store is product-placed and they shop. Various outfits are tried on. Comedy is made of Denise’s desire to have everything unzipped or unbuttoned. We try to believe the fiction that the final outfit decision is reached without a stylist, but simply from the helpful chatter of two friends. The outfit they decide on is really cute and flattering , a wide lapelled yellow print silk shirt with a fitted cashmere-looking navy blue sweater over it and chinos. Actually, when she checks out it seems like the shirt collar is actually a dickey. That’s weird, but it’s definitely still cute.

It’s the next day. Denise is going to give her father a “more updated look” for the red carpet event she’s taking him to. Now she’s taking Irv to a product placed spa. “You know how I feel about all this Hollywood stuff.” he grumbles endearingly as they walk in. Denise is “so excited” to take her father to a spa. He’s never been to a spa, which she finds hard to believe. I don’t.

“I’m really feeling weird about this already.” gripes Irv as the spa ladies greet them. They shake hands and Irv comments that the spa lady has a strong grip. “I gotta tell ya I’m really weird about this stuff. I don’t like people touching me. ” he lies.

“He’s never had a massage.” says Denise. “Except when he was in Vietnam and he said that was a different kind of massage.” We’re given a shot of the other woman there, who happens to look like she could be Asian. She looks annoyed. Irv doesn’t look nearly as embarrassed as he should. The first spa lady laughs it off and says that he’s in good hands.

This gets kind of icky as Irv undergoes a spa treatment that looks like he’s being covered in brown sugar. That would be okay, but he keeps moaning things like “Oh god!” that make it seem like he’s having the other kind of massage. “It feels like you’re rubbing me down with 120 grit sandpaper.” he sighs. “Pretty decadent treatment.” agrees the spa lady. Ew.

At the end of it the woman holds her hands together all Namaste-like and bows and says “It’s always a privilege and honor to do the body work.” “Wow, that was weird.” remarks Irv. I’m kind of with him on that.

Denise decides to put on her new outfit and show her sister. Michelle is sitting in living room feeding her baby and looking really pretty. She laughs when Denise enters and says “What are you wearing?” When Denise asks if she likes it she says “it’s different.” and laughs at her some more. Denise should pay more attention to how ridiculous all these people who supposedly love her think she is most of the time.