Denise Richards: It's Complicated 1.4-- Desperate House Mom(Part 2)

Irv asks the million dollar question: “Who was supposed to take the clothes back?” and the show fades out. Ridiculously, to ominous music it shows us a “coming up” where Sabrina calmly explains that she didn’t know she was supposed to take the clothes back. Seriously, the editing makes it seem like she’s admitting she hit one of the kids or is dying or something. But no. She didn’t know she was supposed to take the clothes back until Saturday. Ooooooh.

And a clip of Denise on a stripper pole, which, perhaps unsurprisingly, she appears to know her way around.

Once back we recap the conversation about the damn clothes so far. We hear Irv ask his question again. Sabrina raises her hand somewhat petulantly and says “From all the conversations I guess it was me.” And then the thing about not knowing until Saturday. Then Sho bitches “I told you Friday.” “Not true.” she counters. “100% true.” snaps Sho. Somebody is lying, voices over Denise and she needs to find out who. As it turns out, they don’t actually ” find out” who’s lying (how could they, in a he said/she said) situation like this) but simply decide that it’s Sho. Which probably is true, but is also kind of unfair.

Sabrina and Sho both look really pissy. Denise interviews that it’s about integrity. Oh Jesus, can we drop this whole “this is really important but not because it’s about clothes and/or money” bullshit? This isn’t a medical review board. Sabrina claims, in a way that sounds pretty plausible given how Sho talks to her, that he simply called and demanded to know where the clothes were and then hung up. Then she says what, for some weird reason, turns out to be Sho’s undoing, which is that on Saturday he told her “I’m just gonna tell Denise I fucked up.” I’m not sure, given all the accusations of lying that have been flying about, why Sho doesn’t just say that Sabrina is lying about that, but instead everyone just decides to believe that and be mad at Sho. I think the editors just got bored with this segment and decided to wrap it up already. Not soon enough for me.

They bicker some more. Sho claims that he’s sooooo busy. They bicker. This is way too much like dealing with my actual job, frankly. Irv and Denise ask if they can work together and they both say they can, very unconvincingly.

This whole situation handled very poorly, Denise wraps up by asking: “Are we good?” while both Sho and Sabrina seethe and stare away from each other. Good work, Manager Denise, I’m glad you got that fixed.

Of course it isn’t fixed and the next day Denise narrates that there’s a lot of tension. Sho, kind of pathetically, tells Denise that he feels like she’s not happy with him and it makes him “sad”. Denise says peevishly that she’s not mad at him, she just feels like when she asks him if he did something, he acts irritated. Frankly, I feel like I would totally fire a personal assistant over that. Who needs that crap?

Denise lectures that she needs to trust him and makes reference to the “personal assistant code” which I expect exists in some form, but still, it sounds especially lame when she says it. She says that he’s done nothing but trash Sabrina. Denise has done nothing but trash him and Sabrina this episode, but I guess she’s the boss. Interestingly, I actually googled around for Sho to see if he dished Denise or the show after he got treated the way he does here and he doesn’t seem to have done it. So maybe there is some silly code.

Denise says that the situation says something about someone’s character. Sho says “Okay.”in a clipped tone of voice and opens the car door, chewing a piece of gum like it’s Denise’s head. He really seems like a pretty angry guy.

The soundtrack bleeps like a PDA and Denise, slowly applying lipgloss in the bathroom mirror (presumably before throwing in a load of laundry and scouring the tub) reads a text message aloud. It’s from Sho. It’s “not working out.” You think?

She storms into the office conveniently as Irv asks Sabrina if she’s seen Sho’s petty cash report. “I don’t think we’re gonna get it,” says Denise, “Sho just quit. By text message,” Which is admittedly a crappy thing to do. Almost as crappy as releasing voicemails from your ex husband to the press.

Denise claims that quitting via text message is “the most unprofessional thing anyone could ever do.” which sounds a bit hyperbolic to me. Denise apologizes to Sabrina for her having to go through this. She says she wishes Sabrina was available for the job but she knows that she’s getting married. How is that pertinent? I mean, I guess in the Bizarro world where Denise is a poor single mom, women don’t work after marriage. She asks Sabrina to work with Irv to set up some interviews for the position.

“It’s probably a good thing he quit.” says Irv. I guess this is why Sho got the asshole edit, though it doesn’t seem like he did much to avoid it, frankly.

Nightime at the Richard’s ranch and Sister Michelle as well as Natalie, Kim and Trish have planned a “girl’s night.” Oh barf.

So they make like it’s a big surprise and guess what? It’s a spa party! “I love spas!” gushes Denise. Various spa stuff is laid out in Denise’s living room. She giggles deliriously as a faceless woman in black massages her feet. Natalie, who looks more hogged out than most of Denise’s associates and who, I believe, we never set eyes on again says “How’s yer feet feelin?”while guzzling a cocktail. I think they just, like, found her somewhere. They all talk about how nice it is to be without the kids. Denise gushes some more and says she didn’t know what she was thinking or why she was so nervous to have this wonderful girl’s night. Yeah, we don’t really get it either.

Trish, wearing a whore-load of makeup in her interview says “ This is Denise’s dream. She’s at her own home, she doesn’t have to leave, and she’s being pampered by multiple people.”

Denise thanks the “girls” (at least two of whom are over 40) for the nice time and says how happy she is that she didn’t have to leave her house.

Natalie, who appears to either be completely wasted or have some kind of British accent or both, wiggles her fingers in Denise’s face and says “It’s not over to the fat lady sings.” I feel like this is kind of an inappropriate introduction for the woman she next brings out,

Pat, who I’m sorry, looks like an chubby, elderly transsexual, comes around the corner and brays in a thick Brooklyn accents “We’re gonna have a passion party!” She has some shopping bags and is holding a book that’s called “Great Sex.” Oh ew.

Everyone bursts into laughter. It appears that Pat Davis is the president of a company called Passion Parties. She lays out a tablecloth and begins to shuck her sex-related wares while the women look on all giggly.

She demonstrates some creams and vibrators and it’s icky, not because these objects are particularly icky, but because everything is pink and purple and she’s brash and everyone’s giggling and there’s candles. I guess I don’t feel like vibrator shopping is something that needs to be done in a group. She brings out a large dildo vibrator, which they choose to blur while she demonstrates its five speeds.

“A great way to express yourself is by pole dancing!” Pat claims “Have you ever done any pole dancing ?“ she asks. There’s a quick shot of Denise with her eyebrows raised. I knew it!

A woman enters with a stripper pole that I have a hard time understanding how they’re going to install securely. Good thing they bought that screw gun earlier, I guess. They don’t show us how they get it in there.

A woman identified as Miyoko “pole dancing expert” begins to explain the basics of pole dancing. “Pole dancing expert” is certainly a new name for it. The women do the basics of walking around the pole while Denise crows “see, moms can be sexy!” She just ruin s everything. Most of the women swing around the pole the way someone who had never used one before would. Denise however, gets some serious height, before hitting the floor and curling upwards in a stripper sort of way. One of her friends reaches down and tugs down her skirt, which has hit her waist by this point. Over this ridiculous display Denise interviews ponderously in a “lesson of the day” voice that tonight made her realize that she does need to have time for herself and fun with her girlfriends. The women whoop and holler “you go girl!”as they each spin around the pole. I hope the little girls aren’t trying to sleep. “Who would have thought a few sex toys and a couple spins on the stripper pole would get me out of my rut?” I’m not even touching that one. They all spin around the pole together and fall down laughing while Natalie shouts “You dirty bitches! Bring on Hugh Hefner!’She's so wasted.

Next time on It’s Complicated: Denise gets an offer to do the cover of inked magazine. Why? She doesn’t have a lot of tattoos. And she goes back to her mom’s house for the first time so we can feel sorry for her.

Denise Richards: It's Complicated 1.4-- Desperate House Mom (Part 1)

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated (Desperate House Mom)

Denise looks to find some equal time to have some fun and taking care of her children; [sic]

Denise builds a playhouse for her daughters; Denise and Irv handle a conflict between Sho and Sabrina, in which one of them is lying about returning dresses; and Denise's friends throw her a passion party.

This episode is, for me, the defining episode of these series and why it sucks. It’s pretty much just a series of ridiculous set ups that try and demonstrate how selfless Denise is and the first of many “you need to just relax” moments her friends are paid to help her create. The only redeeming quality is that there’s some wonderful Irv stuff. This show likes to hammer home its message about Denise, which is pretty much what all these reality shows do, attempt to image manipulate, so that’s fine, but what’s so eternally frustrating is that it almost always subverts its own clearly telegraphed message, either by Denise’s actions or by the fact that the situation used to illustrate it is so clearly unlikely and made up and stupid. I wish I could believe something subversive was actually going on, then I’d enjoy it more, but I really feel most of the time like Denise is too deluded to notice and everyone else involved just doesn’ t care enough.

Denise and Trophy Wife Trish are in Poor Single Mom Denise’s bathroom, which is bigger than my bedroom. Trish lounges on a settee while Denise pretends to put makeup on her already fully made up face in the mirror.

The lies come fast and furious, as stick-thin LA housewife Trish claims that she’s going to get a Brazilian wax tomorrow for the first time. It’s not the lying that I mind, really, it’s that they don’t even seem to try. She wants Denise to accompany her because she’s nervous about it.

“You don’t have to go anywhere!” insists Denise, pulling a large ceramic pot out of a cabinet “I’ve got the wax pot right here.” The soundtrack hammers home the dubious comedy of this moment with a record scratching sound. “I don’t have time to drive to Beverly Hills to get my vagina waxed so now we do it ourselves!” Denise says brightly. There’s so many things wrong with that statement, starting with, of course, the fact that it’s a bald faced lie. Can you imagine Denise showing up for a Playboy shoot with a patchy home-done Brazilian? Denise doesn’t even go down to the kitchen without expertly styled hair. But, perhaps more importantly, Denise, if it’s actually your “vagina” that you’re waxing you might want to make that trip to Beverly Hills to see you GYN. Owy.

Of course this whole fiction exists simply to allow Trish to ask Denise why she’s so busy and Denise can list what honestly sounds to me like not that much to do. She lists “Mommy and Me” class, dropping Sam off at school, lunch and then dance class as she brushes makeup across her forehead dreamily. Single Moms everywhere (in fact, even Married Moms) curse Denise for describing a busy day (and ultimately week) that includes neither paid employment nor household chores. Unless there’s something that Poor Single Mom Denise isn’t telling us and she’s actually working the overnight shift at Denny’s she really needs to shut up. Unfortunately, the fact that she’s so busy with the “girls” and has no “time for herself” is the theme of this week’s episode so she’s not going to be shutting up any time soon. The day after tomorrow is also out—why? A dentist appointment. That’s it. Whole day shot. Poor Denise.

Trish is a slightly more talented actress than she might appear at first because she almost convincingly manages to feign sympathy for Denise and her inability to pursue Beverly Hills aesthetic treatments. “When do you do anything for you?” synchophants Trish as Denise continues to play with her makeup and hair. “You have to carve out some time to have some fun yourself or you’re going to get burnt out!” she continues. “Come on, this is what girlfriends do.” whines Trish, referring, apparently, to going to get Brazilian waxes together. “I’m telling you…” Denise says charmlessly “I’ll fuckin’ wax the bush right here.” They laugh. I do not.

Credits. Single Mom, Bitch, various other big words about Denise. Ham-handed attempt to be edgy and do a frontal attack on Denise's reputation but failing and instead coming off as kind of desperate and cheesy. "Rock" "music" plays us into the show.

Denise is in the car with Irv bitching about her assistant Sho. It’s pretty telling that Denise spends a lot of time pretending to be nice to Sho’s face and then complains about him on camera when he’s not there. It’ll become obvious that I don’t really like Sho, but considering how much of a big deal Denise makes later about the “code” of personal assistants which I interpret to mean, basically, not talking smack about your employer, this reeks of hypocrisy. Irv says that Sho doesn’t have the ability to stay organized, which would seem a pretty big liability in a personal assistant. Denise says “I know, I don’t trust him at all, Dad.” which is taking it a bit far.

Irv describes Sho as “frazzled” as we are treated to our first glimpse of the man himself looking confused and tired at his desk. I’d feel worse for him, but he comes off as kind of a prick for most of the episode. “He doesn’t know whether to shit or go blind.” Irv says, giving us the Adorable Irv quote of the episode only a few minutes in. Now we don’t even have that to look forward to.

A shot of Sho in the kitchen, looking around gormlessly with a title card identifying him as “Sho: Denise’s Assistant.” Denise follows the show’s tradition of telling us everything at least six times by interviewing that “Sho is my personal assistant.” She goes on to say that things were falling through the cracks so she had to bring Sabrina on part-time. We see a shot of Sabrina looking annoyed. It really is amazing how Denise manages as a single mom with only two personal assistants.

Unfortunately, Denise tells us, Sho and Sabrina have not been working as a team. We’re then treated to my favorite scene of the episode in which Sabrina, sitting at her desk, asks Sho, at his desk, for the phone. “There you go sunshine.” he says obnoxiously. “Thank you.” says Sabrina thinly.”Enjoy.” seethes Sho. This whole episode may be bullshit, but these two people really do despise each other. “You know we have a lot of clothes to return this week.” says Sabrina. “Really?” says Sho, fussing with some papers and not looking at her “Dandy.” He sighs expansively and leaves the room. Sho definitely gets the asshole edit this episode but you can’t make him look like a sarcastic bitter jerk if he doesn’t say things like that. Also: awesome!

Denise pops in to ask about “the clothes” and Sabrina says that she thinks Sho is taking care of it. Are you bored already? Well, try not to be, because that’s pretty much the entire plot of this episode.

Denise tells us in interview that she has “very good relationships” with a lot of stores that lend her clothes to try on and perhaps buy for photo shoots and “events”. If she doesn’t buy them, however she says “my assistants know I have to return immediately, so that they can sell them.” It’s hard to explain why “so that they can sell them” comes off so oddly, but it does.

“I love being a mom so much!” Denise gushes. “I love being with my girls. Waking them up, getting them ready for school, taking them to the dentist. Taking them to gymnastics.” We’re treated to quick shots of Denise doing all of these things while America wonders why one of Denise’s favorite things to do with her daughters is take them to the dentist. Really? Did Mommy and Me not pony up their product placement for footage?

The girls are adorable as usual. “Everything’s all about the girls.” Denise lies while her sister Michelle earns this week paycheck by whining that Denise doesn’t go out anymore. Denise makes the odd decision to go see Dr. Katz , divorce mediator for advice. Is he a therapist? I’m confused. He definitely has a scrawny-looking beard for an otherwise well-dressed and groomed guy. Dr. Katz agreeably asks Denise what the most difficult thing about divorce has been. She loves to answer questions like that. Denise claims that in the beginning, she felt a little vulnerable being by herself with the girls (and her nanny, housekeeper, two personal assistants and father, she does not say) but now she’s adjusted to it.

Dr. Katz joins the pity party by listing all the things that have gone wrong with Denise’s life and pointing out that she has a sleep disorder and a lot of baggage. “Am I fucked up?” Denise asks rhetorically in an interview.”You can be a great mom, and miss breakfast once” Dr. Katz declaims. Not, presumably, if Denise was the one fixing the breakfast for her daughters and they didn’t get breakfast if she didn’t make it. Because that would be being kind of a terrible mom. But I think he just means eating breakfast with her daughters that the cook has prepared. “You can be a great mom, and not dress Lola in her tutu” he goes on. I hope there was more than just those two things, because I think she could probably fit those two thing in and still go to get her legs waxed.

“Don’t feel guilty about being with your kids 24/7. That’s not good parenting either” says Dr. Katz which isn’t exactly what he means, but we get it.

Denise tells us because she doesn’t have a husband, she doesn’t have anyone to leave the kids with when she needs a couple of hours to herself. Besides the nanny, she doesn’t say. Seriously, is she trying to have us believe that she and Charlie Sheen juggled parenting responsibilities the way me and my husband do? “Sorry, red carpet event, I can’t make it tonight, my husband Charlie Sheen has to work, and I can’t afford a babysitter, so I need to stay home with the kids”. And now that Charlie’s not there, she just has to watch the kids all day, every day, all by herself? I kind of hate her right now.

Dr. Katz tells Denise pretty much exactly what she wants to hear which is that she should go to the spa and on vacation more. Not in so many words, but that’s basically it. And she shouldn’t feel guilty about it. He ends the session by telling her to go out and “engage with the world” and “report back” to him.

Back at the ranch, Denise is in the kitchen pretending to be miserable that Dr. Katz just told her what she wanted to hear. She fake complains that Dr. Katz told her she’s in a rut and needs to do more for herself all the while preparing and eating the largest salad I have ever seen served to one person. Seriously, it’s like a serving bowl full of salad. Suddenly Irv has one too. It looks delicious and makes me wish I had an enormous salad.

Irv tries to comfort her by telling her that she’s not crazy. “Are you sure?” Denise demands. Irv pauses for a while before saying “I don’t think you are.” Poor Irv. “Well you do spend a lot of time at home with the kids, but you’re a single mom.” Irv lies. “I don’t have a partner.” Denise whines, because that’s pretty much the only quality that she shares with real single moms. Irv asks what Dr. Katz proposed as a solution. Saint Denise tries to sound resentful as she says “His solution is I need to start spending time with my girlfriends and I guess do something that’s for myself.” What’s ridiculous about this is that real single moms don’t do stuff for themselves not because they’re Selfless Martyrs who don’t want to, but because they don’t have the time or the resources. They would if they could.

It should be pointed out that this entire conversation between what we’re supposed to believe are the oppressed primary care givers of two young girls takes place with no children present. No mention is made of where they are or who they are with because that would mean speaking the N word. And by N word I of course don’t mean the despicable word that Charlie Sheen inexplicably called Denise in a leaked voice mail but the other one: Nanny.

“I think I should build something.” Denise non-sequiturs. She says that she and her mom used to talk about building a big playhouse for the girls. Irv interviews that he thinks the idea “sounds kinda crazy.” And it does, but not just for the reasons he thinks it does.

Denise begins her task by, yeah, you guessed it, asking Second Personal Assistant Sabrina to research and purchase a playhouse for the girls. Whew, that was rough. How does Denise find the time to request her personal assistant arrange things for her? “Have the kit delivered,” she says “because I’m gonna put it together.” Sabrina is blithely supportive as Denise insists that it can’t be that hard to put a playhouse together. She also reminds Sabrina about The Clothes. Bored with that subplot. So.Bored.

Daytime and a pick-up truck with a prominently displayed bumper sticker advertising the website where I assume one purchases over-the-top playhouses like the one we’re about to see pulls up. “I hope he’s got help.” Irv grouses “When I get things delivered, it’s usually a guy older than me and he’s by himself.”

Snappy editing shows us the delivery guy, an elderly gentlemen standing alone next to the truck. I guess the company didn’t pay that much for product placement because it’s not really a great advertisement for Single Mom Fun-To-Build Playhouses that they have to take it off the truck themselves. Of course, since Denise has a multi-person staff, that’s not quite as challenging as it might be for some of us.

Sho looks petulant as he helps Irv unload some prefab playhouse walls. Denise asks if there’s directions and the old guy, sounding like Grandpa Abe, croaks “I’m sorry, there aren’t any.” It doesn’t occur to any of her assistants to look for directions online apparently, further cementing my belief that the two computers in the office are used exclusively for Googling “Denise Richards + Ritchie Sambora.”

Denise says she decided to have Sho help her with the house because “that still is really doing it myself.” Ooh snap! “He doesn’t help much.” clarifies Denise helpfully. “With anything.”Okay, got it.

They look at the kit’s hardware and a screw gun bit that Sho helpfully misidentifies as “a drill bit”. “Where’s the drill?” asks Denise, before complaining “The guy didn’t leave a drill.” I’m not even going to touch that one other than to say that I used to work in a hardware store that sold furniture kits and you don’t actually have to be a B-list celebrity to be surprised and annoyed that the necessary tools don’t just automatically come with whatever it is that you buy.

“I don’t own a drill.” says Denise, which isn’t shocking, though I’m surprised that Irv doesn’t have one. He seems like a handy guy. “We’re up shit’s creek without a paddle!” says Sho chirps annoyingly, while playing with a large clamp. They have clamps but no other tools? Denise glares at him.

Sho and Denise go to the hardware store where they purchase some tools. Denise is pretty good at sounding annoyed in interviews about just about anything, even the convenience of a wide selection of cordless drills.

As they exit, the soundtrack plays a cell phone ring while Denise pretends to answer her phone. It’s about The Clothes. They should have been dropped off two days ago, insists Denise to the person from the store. Denise explains again in interview about the stores, blah blah and the clothes blah blah and name drops a particular store. She explains that she got a phone call saying the clothes were not sent back. Which we just saw. So we already figured that out. Because we’re smart. Sho shifts uncomfortably in his passenger seat. Denise resolves the situation by having the store simply put everything on her card, whether she wanted it or not, like any poor single mom would.

Denise gets into the car and demands an explanation from Sho. Sho’s voice wavers as he explains that he told Sabrina to take the clothes back. I don’t know Sho well enough, even as an erstwhile TV personality, to be sure that he’s lying, but it seems like he’s got about half a dozen tells. He’s scratching his face, and looking away and talking kind of high in his chest. It’s awkward.

Sho says “Then I was told by her that you said not to take them back.” He’s referring to Sabrina. This whole thing is going to get pretty stupid, with each of them accusing the other of lying, but it doesn’t make it any better that Denise seems happy to trash talk each of them to the other in turn. Sho says “I’ve spent my whole morning replaying it in my head.” which doesn’t make any sense with the timeline we’ve been given, but whatever. “I just worry if it continues.” he adds. “Well it’s not going to continue.” Denise declares. We’re about to see Manager Denise in action and it’s about as ineffective as you’d think it would be.

“I’m considering quitting because of her.” self-pities Sho, sensing an opening. “I get it.” says Denise “Things need to change!” Sho lies, “I would love for her to work out, I would”. “But if she doesn’t,” counters Denise “I mean obviously, you two can’t work together. You’re my personal assistant. I don’t want things to affect your job.” If we believe what we’ve been shown, Denise doesn’t seem to think that saying she doesn’t trust him or that he’s useless on national television will “affect his job.”

“And if it is, we’ll have to deal with it.” Denise finishes grimly. I feel bad for Sabrina, mostly because she’s the most inoffensive person in this triangle of ineptitude. But also I don’t care.

Commercials and we’re back. Oh right, we’re still building the damn play house. I was almost distracted by the riveting conflict between Sho and Sabrina. In case we forgot, Denise helpfully recaps “With all the tension between Sho and Sabrina, it’s actually a nice escape to build this playhouse. I enjoyed it, I was doing my thing and I feel like I’m starting to get into the right balance.” Denise screws on a shutter. [drill whirring] adds the closed captioning helpfully. This episode seems especially padded with random shots of hills and highways and meaningless close-ups of random Southern California plants. I haven’t been recapping them, but just imagine every scene being punctuated by a lot of meaningless stuff like that. Sun glistens on dew. Cacti. You get it.

Sister Michelle arrives and Denise shows off the playhouse that we know various production assistants for the show actually assembled. “This looks soooo coooool” Michelle cooes. “I told you I could have fun and get out of my rut!” Denise crows and Michelle examines it.”Yeah, I mean, it’s cute, and all, but it’s for the girls. I don’t think this is what Dr. Katz is talking about” she criticizes. I’m not exactly sure that Dr. Katz meant that Denise couldn’t enjoy an activity that also happened to have some benefit for the girls. Like, for instance, if she got an actual, you know, acting gig, that would benefit the girls by paying for their therapy but she could still enjoy it. I mean, is the defining thing about whatever she’s supposed to be doing simply that it should create nothing positive whatsoever for the girls, even incidentally?

“I just enjoy doing something for my kids.” whines Denise. “The doctor tells you you have to get out more because you’re a single parent and you go build your kids a frickin’ playhouse?” Michelle hectors.

“Everyone’s been up my [bleep] about doing things for myself.” Denise complains in an interview. Back at the pretty pink playhouse, Michelle says she has a plan and that she’s going to call Denise’s “girlfriends.” I have watched enough of this kind of crappy reality television to know that that pretty much means one thing: spa day! I mean, I’ve had a pedicure and a massage and those things were nice but I really feel like if someone was determined to get me out of the house to do something I’d enjoy there’s a lot of other things I’d pick first. Concert. Nice meal. Strip club. Something.

Denise can’t wait to see the look on Sam and Lola’s faces when they see their beautiful pink playhouse. Cut to the little girls inside the thing, with Denise sitting outside, fishing for compliments (a big mistake with toddlers.) “How do you like the house I built you?” she baby talks at them.”Ohhhh, not so much .” says the older girl and slams the door in Denise’s face. Are you starting to think that maybe these little girls are a tiny bit spoiled? Not so much because the girl said that, but because she didn’t get lifted out of the playhouse bodily and placed in a time out for doing so. Denise just looks disappointed. Poor, poor Denise.

Denise calls her Dad into her bedroom so that she can pick his brain about the Personal Assistant Drama. Not a bad choice, but since she never takes his advice usually, I’m not sure why she seeks it so much. Instead of over-explaining everything per usual, she just appears to start the story in the middle. “So I told Sho ‘get these back as soon as possible’ and so he said, ‘I’ll take care of it, I’ll take care of it’ and today I get a phone call and they don’t have the stuff.” That has to be the most confusing summation of events we’ve heard so far. It must be noted that pretty much every version of these rather boring events seems to conflict somehow. I think all of these people just need to pay more attention to like, everything. And maybe talk less.

She explains that Sho is pointing fingers at Sabrina and Sabrina is saying that Sho never told her to do it. Denise claims that it’s not that the fact that it’s about clothes that upsets her, but the lying. “Well, we don’t know if he’s lying for sure.” says Irv wisely. This is the last time the idea that this could be a miscommunication and not a pack of lies is mentioned. “Let’s set ‘em both down, put them together in the same room and let’s talk it out.” Good advice Irv. He doesn’t say “let’s accuse them both of lying and then let them bitch at each other until someone breaks.” But that’s apparently what Denise hears.

Denise tells us that she doesn’t care if someone makes a mistake, but that if they’re lying, she can’t help but not trust them. I see her point, but then again, your staff usually lie to you about mistakes if they actually have reason to believe that you do care if they make them.

Sho sits in an armchair looking kind of dicky. I’m not sure how he does that, just sitting there, but you’ll have to take my word for it. Sabrina sits across from him, chewing on the inside of her cheek.

Irv sums up the problem for both of them, but then ruins it by saying “we need to find out who’s lying and what happened.” I really think that’s a terrible way to approach a problem like this, even if you firmly believe one of them is lying. It’s just going to put both of them on the defensive, which is what ends up happening.

“And by the way” Denise says “I don’t care if people screw up as long as someone takes responsibility for it.” Somehow I doubt that, but I’m sure she felt good saying it like it was true.

Denis Richards: It’s Complicated Recap 1.2 (Denise vs. Tabloids) Part 2

I don’t entirely know what to say about this, since if the point was to give Denise the opportunity to make her arguments on television I’m not sure why they allowed Naff to be so cogent. Unlikeable, yes, but not ridiculous or especially mean or blatantly wrong. Her point, made again and again, is that the public perception is that Denise courted this press – she leaked the court documents, spoke to the tabloids and called the paparazzi on herself. I’ll admit, that’s my perception too, though there’s not a lot of proof for some of it. Naff made the point that basically, it’s hard to use the press to fix bad press. People don’t hate Denise for accusing Sheen of terrible things in her custody battle – that shit happens and most people know it. People hate her because they believe she leaked her testimony to discredit him. Does she not get this? I mean, I guess if she didn’t leak the papers (or her “people” didn’t) then this would be truly infuriating, but I have trouble believing this. Along with, apparently, most of the free world.

Denise meets up with her agent, the unfortunately-lipped Chuck James. She relates the story of her dealing with the journalist and admits that she didn’t handle it right. She claims she was “crying her eyeballs out.” Which sidesteps the fact that she was also a huge bitch to her. Chuck gives her the advice that nearly everyone seems to give her on this show: “to go on the record, one time.” One of the definitions of insanity is doing the same thing again and again expecting different results. Another one might be accepting advice about image from a man who did whatever Chuck James did to his lips, presumably because he thought it looked good.
I grow weary of hearing Denise accept this terrible advice, but then again, I chose to watch this show. I accept my punishment. Chuck advises Denise to choose the “most reputable” of the magazines that have approached her and from this unrevealed list she selects Redbook. I actually didn’t know Redbook still existed, but I guess I don’t want to know what came in second.
I think I could make a drinking game out of this show where you drink every time someone says something about Denise “setting the record straight” or letting people “judge for themselves.” I don’t think I’m even going to recap when people say that anymore. Just assume that if someone’s mouth is moving, they’re telling Denise that.
Much is made of Denise’s momentous decision to talk to Redbook. It seems like every time she talks to the press she claims it’s the first time or the only time or the last time she’s going to talk to the press. She needs to 12 step about this issue or something because it doesn’t make any sense. She talks to the press a lot. That’s fine, she’s a celebrity of sorts, but stop claiming you’re not while you’re doing it.
Denise is on the phone with Redbook, hitting her flat Midwestern vowels pretty hard for some reason “I’m flattered and so thrilled, because it’s a great magazine geared towards moms.” she lies. Irv looks on with his arms crossed. You know, I’m not crushing out on the guy or anything, besides the fact that he’s obviously the only person on this show who isn’t an enormous asshole, but he’s really in pretty good shape for an older guy. I’m just saying. Denise tells us that she’s going to “be honest” during the interview. A strategy that continues to fail her. Maybe she should try lying?
More gonna set the record straight bravado. Denise tells her Dad that she doesn’t care what people think and is just going to be herself. Mistake number one, Ms. Richards.
The sun rises on the Day of the Big Redbook Photoshoot. Denise loves photoshoots, she tells us. She’s nervous though because her interviewer, a sharp-faced woman that could be Lycia Naff’s twin in terms of overall demeanor, is there. The woman smiles icily as she looks on. Denise consults with her hair and makeup people about the interview and what she should say. I guess her agent and publicist, the people presumably hired to advise her on such matters were unavailable? It’s more likely, though, that Denise is just the sort of person who asks everyone for advice until someone tells her what she wants to hear.
They advise her to be careful and you know, not say dumb stuff.
Photoshoot montage. She has nice features, but as she’s aged her smile has gotten kind of tight and ugly. The photos look very Redbook. Professionally done, but definitely aiming to not make their Middle American readers uncomfortable with too much glamour. Sort of sexy but in a very bland way.
Back at home, Denise consults with Irv before the interview. Denise proclaims that she’s not censoring herself. Irv, once again the (ignored ) voice of reason says “I don’t see any problem with that. But there are repercussions for doing that. And then the whole catfight starts all over again.” Irv could be speaking in tuba sounds, like the parents on Charlie Brown cartoons for all Denise listens to him. Maybe that’s what the Charlie Brown parents were doing – giving their kids sage career advice. And the kids just never listened.
The soundtrack’s doorbell rings. Denise answers the door in pink pajamas, decorated with images of mudflap girls. Interesting choice is all I’m saying. I actually went and read this interview online, because that is the kind of thorough and meticulous researcher that I am. And since it’s hard to tell from this segment how the interview went, I admit I was a little bit hoping Denise would be skewered. But it’s not that bad. It’s pretty blah, actually.
The interviewer thanks her for talking with her. I don’t want to go off to hard on the interviewer’s appearance, but since she appears to have had at least her nose done, it’s really hard not to wonder how huge her nose was before. Because now it just looks like a plastic-surgery nose but HUGE. Okay, I’m done. I kind of like her. I’m a bit surprised how sort of hard-hitting and industry-savvy these entertainment reporters seem to be. I would never ever want to be them, or even talk to them, but so far I’m grudgingly impressed. Neither Lycia nor this woman seem remotely stupid or shallow. Though they both come off kind of bitchy, as this woman does when she starts the interview by saying “Let’s just talk a little bit, in those self-reflective moments, do you go, where did I make a…misstep?” Ominous soundtrack thumps while Denise gamely tries to keep her bitch face off her mug and Redbook lady does a pretty good Lycia Naff impression by putting her hand on her chin and looking on impassively. Who knew entertainment reporters were tough as nails? “I know what you’re getting at..” stammers Denise, after a pause “The Heather and Ritchie thing.”Well” equivocates Redbook lady, trying not to sound like the barracuda we know she is “To me that…it was just…you know, oh she stole…her…husband” she manages to say this with a sort of shrug. “And what’s worse, is she was a friend.” A threatening shot of the reporter’s tiny tape recorder. Denise holds her chin thoughtfully and somehow manages to appear as if this particular aspect of this situation simply never occurred to her. You can almost see her mind whirring “Hm, maybe I should put “husband-stealer” in my show’s opening credits…”
After the break, the editing shows us the same conversation, pretty much exactly as before. Just so we know where we stand and to set up one of the few reasonable answers to this question. “How does someone really steal someone’s husband?”counters Denise and, much as I hate to say it, she does have a point. “Well, I work in the world of celebrity journalism…” replies Redbook lady which sort of doesn’t make that much sense. Editing tries to make us believe that Denise has trumped this woman and struck her speechless with her stunning logic.”They don’t.” Redbook lady finally allows. Denise interviews that the press “talks out of their ass.” Denise goes on with the rest of her defense on this issue – she and Heather hadn’t been friends for “months” when she and Ritchie got together. As well as the whole thing about how they were already broken up and Denise and Ritchie didn’t have an affair.
Denise claims that her mistake in all of this has been that she “tried to take the high road.” Um,really? Really? And let it blow over. Denise says that she doesn’t regret going out with Ritchie and that he showed her how it felt to be “very loved.” Redbook lady changes tack and lobs this softball over the plate: “And is part of your deal with the show, to show America that there are other sides of you that people don’t know?”
“There are so many sides of me that people don’t know!” insists Denise. The thing is, Denise, those sides need to be interesting. Denise launches into a pity party about not being able to leave her house and her mother dying. She then goes into the standard bullshit line for people who are whoring themselves out to the media that she wants to help “others” – people who might be experiencing the death of a parent, or an awful divorce or being a single mom raising two kids. Or, one assumes, people experiencing their ex-husband’s fiancée leaking emails to the press in which you request your ex’s sperm. Just ordinary people, living and struggling.

Denise wraps up by saying that hope is to continue to live “in the moment” and to enjoy her life while instilling the values in her daughters that her parents instilled in her. I’m sorry, did you say something Denise? I must have just dozed off for a moment there.
“I think what you’re doing, ultimately, f or women, is really important” lies the Redbook lady amazingly. How can that possibly be how she really feels? Of course, this is the kind of stuff that Denise loves to hear because it inflates both her sense of self-importance and her feeling that she’s been unfairly treated. Maybe she should put Redbook lady on the payroll. Trish is getting kind of mouthy.
Irv is frying something vaguely delicious-looking in the kitchen when Denise wanders in and says that she thought it went okay. Irv, who we’re meant to believe was listening the whole time over the sound of his wok, says that he thought it went well, but she swore a couple of times. I had utterly forgotten that ridiculous subplot so for a minute I thought he was just, once again, giving her good advice. That is, don’t say “fuck” to the Redbook lady if your goal is to have her not think you’re a dumb slut. But no, he’s talking about their silly bet about her swearing.
So now she has to give away a dozen pairs of designer shoes. I’m not entirely sure why they are taking thousands of dollars worth of shoes and just dropping them off at the Goodwill. Do they think people who shop for clothes at the Goodwill wear Jimmy Choo? Conveniently they’ve dropped them off in the boxes with the Polaroids on them. For all the other single moms out there with professionally organized shoe closets.
The only redeeming thing about this segment is that Irv refers to one of Denise’s pairs as “hooker shoes.”
Next week: Denise gets spray tanned in her shower! And then, presumably, gets down on her hands and knees and scrubs it. Because it’s just “her and the girls”.

Denis Richards: It’s Complicated Recap 1.2 (Denise vs. Tabloids) Part 1

Denis Richards: It’s Complicated Recap 1.2 (Denise vs. Tabloids)

Denise has a face-to-face interview with a tabloid journalist to tell why she's doing a reality show; Denise decides to stop swearing for her kids, and if she does swear, she's going to donate shoes to charity; and Denise sits down for an interview with Redbook.

Denise sits around with her sister and Best Friend Trish, flipping through magazines and mocking the stories about her. In this segment she does a pretty good job of pretending that it doesn’t bother her, which I suppose would be the emotionally healthiest way of handling it. Though as we’ll soon see, it does bother her, a lot, and if there’s any explanation at all for this show’s precarious existence, then it’s probably because of how much it actually does bother her.

Denise moans about how ridiculous and untrue the stories that appear about her are. Trish asks if the rumor that Denise drove past “her” house blaring “Wanted Dead or Alive” from a boom box is true. The name Heather Locklear is not mentioned, we’re just supposed to know. This show does that a lot and it irritates. Michelle clarifies that it was Her who used to drive down the hill blaring “her Bon Jovi music”. “You Give Love a Bad Name.” adds Denise. It’s not clear if Heather did this to be a bitch to Denise, or just because she liked to listen to her music loud. Either way, it’s a much more boring version of the story which is why people remember the other one. This is pretty much Denise’s problem and this episode doesn’t do much to fix it.

Credits: Glamour Girl. Gold digger. Single Mom. Bitch. Sex Symbol. Husband Stealer. Paparazzi magnet. Daddy’s Girl. Movie Star. Tabloid Queen. Denise Richards: It’s complicated. This episode will be focusing on the “Tabloid Queen” and “Husband Stealer” items on that resume.

Now the three women are giggling and acting fake shocked over some insults on Perez Hilton’s blog. “People are so mean and have a lot of time on their hands.” snarks Trophy wife Trish. Because these women seem super busy to me. Denise reads: “She looks like an 80’s hooker.” I’m sorry, sometimes she does. Michelle and Trish could be doing her a bigger mitzvah by giving her a little of the old What Not to Wear instead of just blandly supporting her in the face of any and all criticism. “I don’t think I look like a hooker there…” says Denise. I like how she sort of acknowledges that at other times, that might be a valid criticism. She decides to take it as a compliment. Which it is not. They discuss the fact that being called a high priced hooker (which doesn’t seem like what Hilton said) isn’t that bad. Trish ridiculouses: “That girl the governor just got nailed with – she’s hot.” Thanks Trish.

Again, calling things like the following “subtext” is probably reading too much into this shallow half-assed show, but there’s always been this rumor flying about that Denise used to be a Heidi Fleiss girl and that that’s how she met Sheen. I have no idea if it’s true, but I can’t quite figure out if this segment is supposed to be some kind of response to that allegation or it’s just more random blather. Both?

Denise decides to print out the Perez Hilton post and show her Dad. Okay. Denise grouses “the guy doesn’t even know me.” I’m pretty sure you don’t need to know celebrities personally in order to take cheap shots at them. In fact, I’m certain of it. Eternally sweet Irv says “I think it looks nice.” about the blurred-out 80’s hooker outfit. Oh Irv. I can’t seem to find the post that they’re talking about but a Google image search for “Denise Richards + hooker “ certainly brings up an outfit or two that it wouldn’t be that unreasonable to say that about. I’m just saying, Denise. And Irv. (Though mostly love for Irv.)

“Fuck these people.” says Denise just before her daughters come skipping in. Denise interviews that she has a swearing problem. We’re treated to a montage of Denise being bleeped out. I read recently that the scuttlebutt on why the show’s probably been cancelled is that whatever Middle American moms they thought would be watching it were put off by Denise’s potty mouth. I don’t mind it so much, but it does seem like she doesn’t have a lot of control over it. Which isn’t surprising as it frequently seems that she doesn’t have much control over anything that comes out of her mouth. The Most Boring and Pointless Subplot Ever is introduced as Irv and Denise formulate a plan in which Denise will give up her “fabulous and expensive” shoes to charity if she swears. We see a shot of her shoe shelf, which I believe we get a view of every episode, as Denise waxes rhapsodic about the first pair of designer pumps she ever bought.

A rare talking head of Irv tells us he thinks that Denise won’t last an hour without “cussing.” He’s so cute.

Trish and Denise drive around until Denise gets a fake phone call from her publicist. Denise goes off about how some unmentioned story “about my mom” is bullshit. She demands a meeting with “one of these reporters face-to-face.” Because, surprise, surprise, she wants to “set the record straight.” Memo to Denise: You life is not a congressional report. There is no record. There are only the vague wisps of gossip and innuendo that float around the internet for a while before fading into obscurity. In language you will understand: Let it the fuck go.

Of course, I shouldn’t complain because later episodes of this show are so full of forced excursions and scripted interactions about nothing. I mean, at least this episode partially addresses the only reason someone would watch this show. Because Denise is a hot-head who says and does juicy and embarrassing things. The way this season ends up going it’s as if Jessica Simpson had decided to stop saying the stupid things that made people watch her and go to graduate school or something to prove she wasn’t an airhead. Which would have been a fine life choice, but a death sentence, obviously, for the show. Denise pretends that her publicist is arguing against her desire to confront the tabloids. At least when she has pretend phone calls her publicist gives her good advice. “What reality show does not have children in it?” Denise demands of her disconnected phone. Oh dear, are we back here. It’s not just the kids, Denise, it’s that their father took you to court to prevent it. That they’re appearing on television against the wishes of one of their parents. I know she can’t hear me, but maybe I’ll just pretend call her on my cell phone and give her a piece of my mind.

Trish thinks she should confront the tabloids head on. Trish wears a lot of makeup in her talking head interviews. No one really cares what Trish thinks.

Denise goes to visit “one of these journalists.” Is it hypocritical of me to say that I actually think Denise looks stunning in this segment? She’s got on this awesome- looking salmon colored dress and her hair’s tied back and someone stepped the makeup gun back from “hooker.” She acts like a total bitch of course, but she looks really pretty and fresh-faced while doing it

Okay, so gossip columnist Lycia Naff’s most notable credit is as an actress in the film Total Recall. She played a cheap-prosthetic looking “Three Breasted Whore” named Mary. Now, according to her imdb .com entry, she’s an entertainment journalist. It’s an interesting choice for this confrontation.

Denise sits down explaining that “It’s awkward.” Lycia asks “What’s the problem? I got a call from your PR to lend a hand and chat with you…” Denise barks a laugh because she seems to assume this woman should know what the problem is. I imagine that this meeting was set up more with the premise “Denise wants to discuss her coverage with an entertainment reporter” and not “Denise wants to hold a single reporter responsible for all her bad press coverage and unleash the fires of hell that live within her soul on her for her reality show.” Because I expect that even Lycia might have skipped that meeting.

I can’t read Ms. Naff actually. I’m not really sure what her angle is here, or how much of this is staged. She looks kind of bitchy, but it’s hard to tell why. What follows is somewhat painful because Naff seems to be following the first script – that is, explain to Denise why her tabloid coverage is so bad, and give her some strategies for perhaps avoiding that in the future. While Denise seems to be following a different script, one that I suspect she’s jus t making up as she goes, that tells her to bitch out Naff for the cameras. So yeah “awkward” begins to cover it.

Denise stars blathering about her bad coverage and Lycia interrupts to say “Why are you doing a show?” It’s not rhetorical, she seems to actually want to know.

Denise counters with “My mom really wanted me to do a show.” Which is odd, but also fortunate, since her mother is dead and any old thing can be attributed to her. It’s not that I think Denise would lie about her mom’s wishes, it’s more a combination of the fact that people in her life seem to tell her what she wants to hear, she only tends to hear what she wants to hear, and she’s kind of delusional in general. I guess I mean, whatever her mom said she wanted before she died, was it this? Naff interrupts her again to say “I hate to be that horrible journalist, but is there a story here , you know, where it was one of your mom’s last wishes that you do this show and set the record straight?” Naff is clearly kind of a bottom-feeder, but I sort of see her point. If Denise wants to be in the public eye, but not for the garish reasons that she is, she’s going to have to give them another story. And that story is going to have to be interesting. Even if, as she claims, the truth is that she’s just a “single mom.” Because that’s kind of boring. Maybe the editing is off here, but at least we’re supposed to believe that at this point Denise starts to cry while Naff looks on dispassionately. Naff backs off from the “mom’s dying wish” angle because Denise makes it clear that it’s a lot more boring than that. “We were in negotiations right before she died.” she sobs. “Is there any story you can give me?” presses Naff.

Denise, in interview, is pissed. I don’t get it. She wants press, but not about the juicy details of her life. She dries her eyes with a tissue and Naff continues to push her. I don’t like Naff, but I don’t see her being totally unreasonable. She asks if there’s a new story Denise would like out there or an old rumor she’d like to quash. Those are basically Denise’s two choices and she doesn’t want either of them. She wants to be Angelina Jolie and have people talk about how beautiful and wonderful she is all the time. She doesn’t say that, but I’m pretty sure that’s the problem.

So, as the promos promise, this conversation starts to spin wildly out of control. I remain confused. If I were setting up this scenario, I’d have picked someone who was willing to play the foil, to make straw man arguments that Denise could knock down easily. The fact that some of Naff’s credits are as an actress (of sorts) would lead one to suspect that that’s what’s going to happen. Naff doesn’t seem to be playing along, though the editing seems to be trying to make it seem like Denise is winning the argument. Denise says “There’s children involved.” and Naff asks her not to play “the parent card” for a minute. That’s an unwinnable argument for both.

Naff says: “What happened was, we were really feeling sorry for you, and we were on your side, but it was like three months later, out you are, you tipped off the paparazzi and there you are kissing Ritchie”. Denise says “I tipped off the paparazzi…?” like that’s ridiculous. Someone did, counters Naff, because they seemed to know exactly where she was. Denise asks why she would collaborate in her own bad press. “Why would I do that?” is sometimes a decent argument, but not when the response can be “Because you’re a shameless fame whore.” Naff doesn’t say that, exactly, but she does say this “Let me tell you how difficult it might be to change an image that you yourself helped create.” Naff ‘s voice wavers a bit here. I think she’s pretty over Denise. I also think she’s trying to tell the truth as she sees it, to someone resistant, and although I don’t really understand her motivation, I kind of respect the impulse. “In the public eye, part of the public image that America has of you in the tabloids and the gossip columns has actually backfired, people think that you were kinda, in cahoots to create some of this…” In other words, Denise, people think you’re a shameless famewhore and you did this to yourself.

In an alternate dimension, Denise might actually listen to this. Naff isn’t wrong – she’s reporting accurately on what the general tenor of feeling is about Denise and why there’s a lack of sympathy. It’s something Denise’s fricking publicist should say to her. But all we see is Denise getting really, really angry. The editing gets sort of sporadic, with Naff speaking in sentence fragments and Denise making her three points which don’t need quoting but here they are in summary 1)The court documents where she trashed Charlie were not sealed by a judge, and Denise didn’t leak them to the press. 2)Some of the stories the press writes are not true. 3)Think of the children! To which my responses, in summary are 1)I don’t buy it 2)So what? and 3)Sigh.

Denise puts her bitch face on and starts making tiny pointy finger gestures. Ms. Naff has quite a bitch face of her own and looks on impassively. She starts to look a bit tired too. This whole section makes me uncomfortable, because it’s become an awkward rambling argument between two women who have clearly come to despise each other in the last few minutes. At this point, (or some point, like I said, I seriously mistrust the editing of this whole segment) Naff answers her phone. Denise is insulted, though Naff does tell the person she can’t talk now because she’s talking to Denise Richards.

Denise walks out and we get a moment where we can see the two cameramen which either means this is totally unscripted or we’re just supposed to believe that it is. The cameramen look bored. Denise comes back in suddenly and leans across the desk aggressively. “There’s children involved.” she stammers. Naff tries and fails to not smirk. Denise continues blathering on and then yells at Naff for saying she tipped of the paparazzi and then calls her a cunt and walks out. She storms out to where Michelle is waiting in her SUV and says sarcastically “Well ,that went well, I called her a cunt.” They drive off.