Denise has a face-to-face interview with a tabloid journalist to tell why she's doing a reality show; Denise decides to stop swearing for her kids, and if she does swear, she's going to donate shoes to charity; and Denise sits down for an interview with Redbook.
Denise sits around with her sister and Best Friend Trish, flipping through magazines and mocking the stories about her. In this segment she does a pretty good job of pretending that it doesn’t bother her, which I suppose would be the emotionally healthiest way of handling it. Though as we’ll soon see, it does bother her, a lot, and if there’s any explanation at all for this show’s precarious existence, then it’s probably because of how much it actually does bother her.
Denise moans about how ridiculous and untrue the stories that appear about her are. Trish asks if the rumor that Denise drove past “her” house blaring “Wanted Dead or Alive” from a boom box is true. The name Heather Locklear is not mentioned, we’re just supposed to know. This show does that a lot and it irritates. Michelle clarifies that it was Her who used to drive down the hill blaring “her Bon Jovi music”. “You Give Love a Bad Name.” adds Denise. It’s not clear if Heather did this to be a bitch to Denise, or just because she liked to listen to her music loud. Either way, it’s a much more boring version of the story which is why people remember the other one. This is pretty much Denise’s problem and this episode doesn’t do much to fix it.
Credits: Glamour Girl. Gold digger. Single Mom. Bitch. Sex Symbol. Husband Stealer. Paparazzi magnet. Daddy’s Girl. Movie Star. Tabloid Queen. Denise Richards: It’s complicated. This episode will be focusing on the “Tabloid Queen” and “Husband Stealer” items on that resume.
Now the three women are giggling and acting fake shocked over some insults on Perez Hilton’s blog. “People are so mean and have a lot of time on their hands.” snarks Trophy wife Trish. Because these women seem super busy to me. Denise reads: “She looks like an 80’s hooker.” I’m sorry, sometimes she does. Michelle and Trish could be doing her a bigger mitzvah by giving her a little of the old What Not to Wear instead of just blandly supporting her in the face of any and all criticism. “I don’t think I look like a hooker there…” says Denise. I like how she sort of acknowledges that at other times, that might be a valid criticism. She decides to take it as a compliment. Which it is not. They discuss the fact that being called a high priced hooker (which doesn’t seem like what Hilton said) isn’t that bad. Trish ridiculouses: “That girl the governor just got nailed with – she’s hot.” Thanks Trish.
Again, calling things like the following “subtext” is probably reading too much into this shallow half-assed show, but there’s always been this rumor flying about that Denise used to be a Heidi Fleiss girl and that that’s how she met Sheen. I have no idea if it’s true, but I can’t quite figure out if this segment is supposed to be some kind of response to that allegation or it’s just more random blather. Both?
Denise decides to print out the Perez Hilton post and show her Dad. Okay. Denise grouses “the guy doesn’t even know me.” I’m pretty sure you don’t need to know celebrities personally in order to take cheap shots at them. In fact, I’m certain of it. Eternally sweet Irv says “I think it looks nice.” about the blurred-out 80’s hooker outfit. Oh Irv. I can’t seem to find the post that they’re talking about but a Google image search for “Denise Richards + hooker “ certainly brings up an outfit or two that it wouldn’t be that unreasonable to say that about. I’m just saying, Denise. And Irv. (Though mostly love for Irv.)
“Fuck these people.” says Denise just before her daughters come skipping in. Denise interviews that she has a swearing problem. We’re treated to a montage of Denise being bleeped out. I read recently that the scuttlebutt on why the show’s probably been cancelled is that whatever Middle American moms they thought would be watching it were put off by Denise’s potty mouth. I don’t mind it so much, but it does seem like she doesn’t have a lot of control over it. Which isn’t surprising as it frequently seems that she doesn’t have much control over anything that comes out of her mouth. The Most Boring and Pointless Subplot Ever is introduced as Irv and Denise formulate a plan in which Denise will give up her “fabulous and expensive” shoes to charity if she swears. We see a shot of her shoe shelf, which I believe we get a view of every episode, as Denise waxes rhapsodic about the first pair of designer pumps she ever bought.
A rare talking head of Irv tells us he thinks that Denise won’t last an hour without “cussing.” He’s so cute.
Trish and Denise drive around until Denise gets a fake phone call from her publicist. Denise goes off about how some unmentioned story “about my mom” is bullshit. She demands a meeting with “one of these reporters face-to-face.” Because, surprise, surprise, she wants to “set the record straight.” Memo to Denise: You life is not a congressional report. There is no record. There are only the vague wisps of gossip and innuendo that float around the internet for a while before fading into obscurity. In language you will understand: Let it the fuck go.
Of course, I shouldn’t complain because later episodes of this show are so full of forced excursions and scripted interactions about nothing. I mean, at least this episode partially addresses the only reason someone would watch this show. Because Denise is a hot-head who says and does juicy and embarrassing things. The way this season ends up going it’s as if Jessica Simpson had decided to stop saying the stupid things that made people watch her and go to graduate school or something to prove she wasn’t an airhead. Which would have been a fine life choice, but a death sentence, obviously, for the show. Denise pretends that her publicist is arguing against her desire to confront the tabloids. At least when she has pretend phone calls her publicist gives her good advice. “What reality show does not have children in it?” Denise demands of her disconnected phone. Oh dear, are we back here. It’s not just the kids, Denise, it’s that their father took you to court to prevent it. That they’re appearing on television against the wishes of one of their parents. I know she can’t hear me, but maybe I’ll just pretend call her on my cell phone and give her a piece of my mind.
Trish thinks she should confront the tabloids head on. Trish wears a lot of makeup in her talking head interviews. No one really cares what Trish thinks.
Denise goes to visit “one of these journalists.” Is it hypocritical of me to say that I actually think Denise looks stunning in this segment? She’s got on this awesome- looking salmon colored dress and her hair’s tied back and someone stepped the makeup gun back from “hooker.” She acts like a total bitch of course, but she looks really pretty and fresh-faced while doing it
Okay, so gossip columnist Lycia Naff’s most notable credit is as an actress in the film Total Recall. She played a cheap-prosthetic looking “Three Breasted Whore” named Mary. Now, according to her imdb .com entry, she’s an entertainment journalist. It’s an interesting choice for this confrontation.
Denise sits down explaining that “It’s awkward.” Lycia asks “What’s the problem? I got a call from your PR to lend a hand and chat with you…” Denise barks a laugh because she seems to assume this woman should know what the problem is. I imagine that this meeting was set up more with the premise “Denise wants to discuss her coverage with an entertainment reporter” and not “Denise wants to hold a single reporter responsible for all her bad press coverage and unleash the fires of hell that live within her soul on her for her reality show.” Because I expect that even Lycia might have skipped that meeting.
I can’t read Ms. Naff actually. I’m not really sure what her angle is here, or how much of this is staged. She looks kind of bitchy, but it’s hard to tell why. What follows is somewhat painful because Naff seems to be following the first script – that is, explain to Denise why her tabloid coverage is so bad, and give her some strategies for perhaps avoiding that in the future. While Denise seems to be following a different script, one that I suspect she’s jus t making up as she goes, that tells her to bitch out Naff for the cameras. So yeah “awkward” begins to cover it.
Denise stars blathering about her bad coverage and Lycia interrupts to say “Why are you doing a show?” It’s not rhetorical, she seems to actually want to know.
Denise counters with “My mom really wanted me to do a show.” Which is odd, but also fortunate, since her mother is dead and any old thing can be attributed to her. It’s not that I think Denise would lie about her mom’s wishes, it’s more a combination of the fact that people in her life seem to tell her what she wants to hear, she only tends to hear what she wants to hear, and she’s kind of delusional in general. I guess I mean, whatever her mom said she wanted before she died, was it this? Naff interrupts her again to say “I hate to be that horrible journalist, but is there a story here , you know, where it was one of your mom’s last wishes that you do this show and set the record straight?” Naff is clearly kind of a bottom-feeder, but I sort of see her point. If Denise wants to be in the public eye, but not for the garish reasons that she is, she’s going to have to give them another story. And that story is going to have to be interesting. Even if, as she claims, the truth is that she’s just a “single mom.” Because that’s kind of boring. Maybe the editing is off here, but at least we’re supposed to believe that at this point Denise starts to cry while Naff looks on dispassionately. Naff backs off from the “mom’s dying wish” angle because Denise makes it clear that it’s a lot more boring than that. “We were in negotiations right before she died.” she sobs. “Is there any story you can give me?” presses Naff.
Denise, in interview, is pissed. I don’t get it. She wants press, but not about the juicy details of her life. She dries her eyes with a tissue and Naff continues to push her. I don’t like Naff, but I don’t see her being totally unreasonable. She asks if there’s a new story Denise would like out there or an old rumor she’d like to quash. Those are basically Denise’s two choices and she doesn’t want either of them. She wants to be Angelina Jolie and have people talk about how beautiful and wonderful she is all the time. She doesn’t say that, but I’m pretty sure that’s the problem.
So, as the promos promise, this conversation starts to spin wildly out of control. I remain confused. If I were setting up this scenario, I’d have picked someone who was willing to play the foil, to make straw man arguments that Denise could knock down easily. The fact that some of Naff’s credits are as an actress (of sorts) would lead one to suspect that that’s what’s going to happen. Naff doesn’t seem to be playing along, though the editing seems to be trying to make it seem like Denise is winning the argument. Denise says “There’s children involved.” and Naff asks her not to play “the parent card” for a minute. That’s an unwinnable argument for both.
Naff says: “What happened was, we were really feeling sorry for you, and we were on your side, but it was like three months later, out you are, you tipped off the paparazzi and there you are kissing Ritchie”. Denise says “I tipped off the paparazzi…?” like that’s ridiculous. Someone did, counters Naff, because they seemed to know exactly where she was. Denise asks why she would collaborate in her own bad press. “Why would I do that?” is sometimes a decent argument, but not when the response can be “Because you’re a shameless fame whore.” Naff doesn’t say that, exactly, but she does say this “Let me tell you how difficult it might be to change an image that you yourself helped create.” Naff ‘s voice wavers a bit here. I think she’s pretty over Denise. I also think she’s trying to tell the truth as she sees it, to someone resistant, and although I don’t really understand her motivation, I kind of respect the impulse. “In the public eye, part of the public image that America has of you in the tabloids and the gossip columns has actually backfired, people think that you were kinda, in cahoots to create some of this…” In other words, Denise, people think you’re a shameless famewhore and you did this to yourself.
In an alternate dimension, Denise might actually listen to this. Naff isn’t wrong – she’s reporting accurately on what the general tenor of feeling is about Denise and why there’s a lack of sympathy. It’s something Denise’s fricking publicist should say to her. But all we see is Denise getting really, really angry. The editing gets sort of sporadic, with Naff speaking in sentence fragments and Denise making her three points which don’t need quoting but here they are in summary 1)The court documents where she trashed Charlie were not sealed by a judge, and Denise didn’t leak them to the press. 2)Some of the stories the press writes are not true. 3)Think of the children! To which my responses, in summary are 1)I don’t buy it 2)So what? and 3)Sigh.
Denise puts her bitch face on and starts making tiny pointy finger gestures. Ms. Naff has quite a bitch face of her own and looks on impassively. She starts to look a bit tired too. This whole section makes me uncomfortable, because it’s become an awkward rambling argument between two women who have clearly come to despise each other in the last few minutes. At this point, (or some point, like I said, I seriously mistrust the editing of this whole segment) Naff answers her phone. Denise is insulted, though Naff does tell the person she can’t talk now because she’s talking to Denise Richards.
Denise walks out and we get a moment where we can see the two cameramen which either means this is totally unscripted or we’re just supposed to believe that it is. The cameramen look bored. Denise comes back in suddenly and leans across the desk aggressively. “There’s children involved.” she stammers. Naff tries and fails to not smirk. Denise continues blathering on and then yells at Naff for saying she tipped of the paparazzi and then calls her a cunt and walks out. She storms out to where Michelle is waiting in her SUV and says sarcastically “Well ,that went well, I called her a cunt.” They drive off.
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