The music gets even grimmer as Denise exits the SUV under an umbrella. This is getting a little histrionic actually. This is about the point at which I started to suspect that they weren’t showing us something. I mean, I guess I sort of get why they wouldn’t want to fan the flames by including the actual interviews on the show, but the method they’ve used to get around it is a little misleading. I think this show has made a little bit of a habit of that – alluding to something in the tabloids, without mentioning it, and just assuming we’ll know. While at the same time explaining ten times in different ways that Denise is about to ride a go-Kart or spray tan or something. This episode is kind of the high water mark for assuming we know everything about Denise’s real life while attempting to present a watered-down version. So it ends up being a little bit of a bait-and-switch that just sends the confused viewer to the internet to read the same stories Denise claims to hate anyway.
Denise stands around in her bra while Kim swoops in to slather on more eye shadow because she says “their lighting’s a little dark.” Denise ends up looking like a Midwestern teenager on prom night on the show, so perhaps Kim was misinformed. Kim and Max, Celebrity Hairstylist banter about how she’s not going to ruin Denise’s hair. Which looks nice and all, but it’s just sort of long and flowing. It’s not like wedding hair or anything.
Larry King introduces Denise as “actress and ex-wife of Charlie Sheen” ,which must rankle, but still, you made your bed, you lie in it. Larry asks the daughter question again while Denise tries and fails to look thoughtful and not like she wants to rip his head off and eat his heart over the title “Denise Richards speaks out.” The screen goes black slowly to dark, bass-heavy music, presumably to clue us in that it actually gets worse from here, but as I said, I sort of missed that the first time. Though if you watch the whole interview it’s hard not to come away with the impression that Larry King is kind of an asshole. I guess I knew that already. Much as Denise irritates me, I’m not sure that I could sit there, in her presence, and make her respond to awful things about herself. Like Kathy Griffin, I was raised right and prefer to talk about people behind their back.
Denise decides to call her sister for “moral support” and makes a plea for our sympathy by sobbing into the phone about how “embarrassing” it is to go on the Today Show and “talk about that” while Kim looks on irritated that she’s destroying her makeup. [sniffles] says the closed -captioning pathetically. Even it seems to think she’s over reacting.
Coming up: Denise whines some more. Kim urges her to do Extra. Commercials. The promo for that Pam Anderson show looks kind of cool, at least from a heavily-stylized graphics point of view. Very over-exposed and grainy with bright splashes of color and weird camera angles. Not that I need to add more crap like this to my TV rotation. Well, I guess if this show gets cancelled, I probably do.
New York. Denise tells us that she’s spent a whole day doing talk shows “not even talking about my reality show, but defending myself.” About her reality. Does she not see the contradiction here?
Denise lies on the bed while Kim counsels her, ridiculously to do “Take the fucking gloves off and do Extra”. Is there something I’m missing here? How will this fix anything? “I just want to move on with my life” whines Denise. “I think telling the truth you’re not being vindictive or bitter or anything, you’re just setting the record straight. Look, this is the bottom line, this is bullshit, and this is what it is. And I just think that you should go out there and let everyone know so that everyone can let it fucking go. Focus on your fun little cute show and be done with it.” I suspect that Denise listens to Kim’s advice more than her publicist and much as I don’t particularly mind Kim, her advice is shit. I mean, isn’t this what Denise has been doing all along? “Setting the record straight” by complaining bitterly about Charlie, each time claiming that the only reason she’s even saying anything is because she has to, and that she really just wants to put it behind her? I mean, this is kind of how she got herself into this mess. What she needs to do is shut up, close up shop on the failed reality show, go raise her kids and try and get a legitimate acting or modeling or hosting job. Plenty of celebrities have done this. She just seems hell-bent on making it worse. Which is easy for her, because all she really has to do is open her mouth.
I’m enjoying this episode, I must say, because at least it resembles some of Denise’s reality (sort of). Not cute trips with her “girlfriends” or made-up projects, but the actual tooth-and-claw business of trying to manage her image. It’s hard to watch because she’s so clearly handling this wrong, but still interesting.
Day Two of the press tour, and Max, Celebrity Hair Stylist (who appears to wake-and-bake or something) is slurring his opinion on matters while styling Denise to look like a 60’s call girl. “You know what? I think you’re gonna get to a point where your gonna do what you want,” he opines “You’re gonna go [Bleep] it.”
“Why is it you that are the devil-child for having your kids on television and every other reality show from the Osmonds to the frickin whoever Kimora have got their kids have got their kids on bloody television and you’re the Daughter of Satan?” he grumbles, nearly incoherently. Though it sounds less lame because he’s got an accent. It could be Australian, on second listen, but it’s hard to tell because he’s so wasted/ The first time I saw this I actually thought he meant The Osmonds (and not, apparently, the Osbournes) and that I wouldn’t have thought to describe the The Donny and Marie show as a “reality show”. He also seems to dwell on the Denise as Satan thing a bit more than I personally, would be comfortable having come from a friend.
“Too sexy for the morning?” He asks Denise about her hair. Denise says no, and she is wrong wrong wrong. He can’t be held responsible, he’s clearly extremely high. “The higher my hair the closer to God” he misquotes so incomprehensibly that it needs to be subtitled and then giggles. It seems faintly possible that he actually despises Denise.
Titles for The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet, a show which I have never heard of or watched but looks to be your standard AM talk show.
Amiably, the female host, who I’m going to assume is Juliet, leads in by saying “She’s been called a homewrecker, she’s been called a betrayer, an exploiter..” Which, frankly, has to be the worst introduction ever. And I believe, based on this show’s credits, that Denise prefers the term “Husband Stealer.” ”…But now Denise Richards says it is time to set the record straight, people!” It’s already obvious that this isn’t going to go well. Denise enters wearing what looks like a sexy nurse costume and Barbarella hair. Who makes these decisions? Max, Stoned Celebrity Stylist?
Juliet takes the cowardly route by simply pointing out that other television interviewers have been “aggressive.” That way she can get Denise to talk about it without coming off as aggressive herself. It’s kind of bitchy. “Why are people so angry with you?” she asks, which is only slightly less obnoxious than asking “Why does every think you’re such a huge asshole?” Denise tries to dodge the question by saying “You know, I care about our children, that’s it, I’m a good mom, I want to protect them. My show has nothing to do with Charlie Sheen. Period.” You see, there’s no way that she can fix this. The only thing she can do is shut her mouth. Insisting that you’re a good mom when people point out things you’ve done that might be interpreted otherwise is telling and not showing. And showing that you’re a “good mom” is exploiting your children. This is the season (and probably show) finale and it starts to have this frantic, explain-everything-away, train wreck feel. It’s kind of sad actually.
In what seems clearly an overdub, but that we’re meant to believe is a rushed hallway conversation with Jill, Denise says “Enough is enough. Call Extra now.” Oh god. I keep thinking that maybe the people in Denise’s professional life just aren’t giving her good advice.
Denise sits down with extra in the same Porno Nurse outfit. Kim clearly upped the settings on the makeup gun for this one.
Oh dear. Same shit, different show. I guess from what I’ve seen of them a “sit down” with Extra is just an interview where they ask you want you want to be asked and no more. Sort of like a video press release. Denise is asked if she thinks she’s being unfairly targeted, and hey, guess what? She thinks she is. “I’m promoting a television show” she says. Yes, a reality television show that most people are watching because your train wreck of a divorce has been all over the tabloids. Denise, Denise, Denise, why do you think we’re watching? Because we loved you in The Life and Blond and Blonder and just had to know more about your amazing home life? It really bothers me in real life whenever I see a person whose actions clearly contradict their goals, so I’d like to believe that this is all a big game and Denise is actually stirring up this shit storm deliberately in order to promote herself. Which would be irritating, exploitative and fame-whorish in the extreme but at least it wouldn’t be quite so sad. But I don’t really think that. I think she believes there is a “record” and she can in fact, “set it straight” and then everyone will just think of her as an actress and a great mom, like Jodie Foster or somebody.
I’m just realizing that even when Jodie Foster portrayed an actual hooker she wasn’t dressed quite as sluttily as Denise is for this interview.
Denise goes on. “Good mom” “High road” “I want to just be left alone.” It’s stupid and hard to watch.
Denise and Jill stand on the street on what appears to be a different, less Frankenhooker day for Denise, styling-wize. “We didn’t make a mistake, right?” Denise asks. “I’m all about taking the high road” says Jill. Which doesn’t remotely answer the question. “Well but I did the right thing, right?” pushes Denise. It’s a bit hard to see her not sure. “I honestly don’t know” equivocates Jill which translates as: “No, not really.” Jill makes the point that there’s probably nothing she could have done that would put her in a “winning situation” which is true, but like, 12 interviews too late. “Whatever you said today is what you said.” Ouch.
After that, Denise voices over, she decided to blow off some steam and just enjoy New York. So we’re thrust rather abruptly out of the depressing anxiety-fest that is Denise’s New York press tour, back in the fluffy world of her reality show. Denise models clothes for her publicist and has photographs taken, just like every Single Mom does. She sniffs at something proffered to her, suddenly and inexplicably in the slutty sixties hair and makeup from earlier. The store’s awning sign is product placed several times.
Denise expresses that fact that she is “conflicted” about how she handled her interviews. Well, that’s because she basically fucked up royally. Back in LA Irv and the girls greet her at the door and she gives them each a large wrapped box containing a doll before sending them off to the other room, lying “We’ll be there in a just a minute.”
Denise and Irv rehash the interview disaster in the kitchen. Denise talks about how she wanted to give up in New York and she still has a day to do here and doesn’t know what to do. Irv seems genuinely pained as he says “I know.” It must suck care about someone who’s so clearly their own worst enemy. Irv says: “Maybe we should think about canceling the press junket.” Junket. That’s kind of adorable. Irv always cheers me up. It’s also pretty much the only sane advice Denise receives all episode, she ignores it.
Denise describes herself as “emotionally drained..upset..so devastated..[and] sick” and says she’s tempted to cancel the rest of her interviews. So of course she doesn’t. Denise is in a limo with her father applying eye makeup when he asks her if she slept the night before. She says no. She interviews that she’s “so proud” of her show and she’s not going to let anyone get her down. The myth here is that Denise has been dragged into a situation through no fault of her own and must simply stand her ground. By giving more interviews.
These interviews are some kind of call-in satellite thing. Predictably, people start asking her about the divorce and the sperm thing is mentioned for the first time. Denise finally stammers that she just wants to talk about the show and doesn’t want to get into “mudslinging”. She interviews that she wants to take “the high road and protect” her daughters. I guess this is being played as some kind of triumph. Like she finally got smart. Back in the limo she says to Irv ”Well, Dad, as hard as it was, I’m glad that I took the high road.” The thing is, making an episode of your reality show trying to demonstrate how you took “the high road” isn’t taking the high road anymore than going on various talk shows and insisting that you’re a good mom is being a good mom. I actually feel bad for Irv, mostly. Out of all these people, he’s probably the only one who genuinely cares for Denise’s welfare. “You did really well.” he tells her. Of course, more people telling her lies isn’t actually what she needs.
So after her day of interviews, she tells us, she just couldn’t wait to get back to what’s most important in her life. Yeah, you guessed it, her “girls.” They shriek “Mommy!” adorably and chase her around the house.
“This has been an incredible, emotional, but great journey for all of us” Denise lies, over footage from the whole season. We see her visiting her dead mom’s house and playing with her daughters as a ridiculously cheesy pop-song called “Shine” begins to play. Flashes of Denise being photographed and, um, swinging on a stripper pole while the song’s lyrics wail triumphantly “Shine away, shine away, shine away.” I really couldn’t make this shit up. More inspirational singing as we revisit Denise in the iFly tube, riding dune buggies, spray tanning her father and taking her bikini top off in Hawaii. “We’re all waiting /Waiting on your supernova /Cause that’s who you are…”
the song bleats ungrammatically. “But the one thing, that has always kept me grounded” portentously narrates Denise…can you guess? “…are the faces of my two beautiful girls.” Slow motion shots of the girls looking adorable appear and fade out to the lyrics : “And you’ve only begun… to …shiiiiiiiiiine”. Oh god. She makes it even worse by summing up “Maybe life’s not that complicated after all.”
Wow, that whole thing almost made me angry, It was so saccharine.
Word is the show’s been cancelled.
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