Denise looks to find some equal time to have some fun and taking care of her children; [sic]
Denise builds a playhouse for her daughters; Denise and Irv handle a conflict between Sho and Sabrina, in which one of them is lying about returning dresses; and Denise's friends throw her a passion party.
This episode is, for me, the defining episode of these series and why it sucks. It’s pretty much just a series of ridiculous set ups that try and demonstrate how selfless Denise is and the first of many “you need to just relax” moments her friends are paid to help her create. The only redeeming quality is that there’s some wonderful Irv stuff. This show likes to hammer home its message about Denise, which is pretty much what all these reality shows do, attempt to image manipulate, so that’s fine, but what’s so eternally frustrating is that it almost always subverts its own clearly telegraphed message, either by Denise’s actions or by the fact that the situation used to illustrate it is so clearly unlikely and made up and stupid. I wish I could believe something subversive was actually going on, then I’d enjoy it more, but I really feel most of the time like Denise is too deluded to notice and everyone else involved just doesn’ t care enough.
Denise and Trophy Wife Trish are in Poor Single Mom Denise’s bathroom, which is bigger than my bedroom. Trish lounges on a settee while Denise pretends to put makeup on her already fully made up face in the mirror.
The lies come fast and furious, as stick-thin LA housewife Trish claims that she’s going to get a Brazilian wax tomorrow for the first time. It’s not the lying that I mind, really, it’s that they don’t even seem to try. She wants Denise to accompany her because she’s nervous about it.
“You don’t have to go anywhere!” insists Denise, pulling a large ceramic pot out of a cabinet “I’ve got the wax pot right here.” The soundtrack hammers home the dubious comedy of this moment with a record scratching sound. “I don’t have time to drive to Beverly Hills to get my vagina waxed so now we do it ourselves!” Denise says brightly. There’s so many things wrong with that statement, starting with, of course, the fact that it’s a bald faced lie. Can you imagine Denise showing up for a Playboy shoot with a patchy home-done Brazilian? Denise doesn’t even go down to the kitchen without expertly styled hair. But, perhaps more importantly, Denise, if it’s actually your “vagina” that you’re waxing you might want to make that trip to Beverly Hills to see you GYN. Owy.
Of course this whole fiction exists simply to allow Trish to ask Denise why she’s so busy and Denise can list what honestly sounds to me like not that much to do. She lists “Mommy and Me” class, dropping Sam off at school, lunch and then dance class as she brushes makeup across her forehead dreamily. Single Moms everywhere (in fact, even Married Moms) curse Denise for describing a busy day (and ultimately week) that includes neither paid employment nor household chores. Unless there’s something that Poor Single Mom Denise isn’t telling us and she’s actually working the overnight shift at Denny’s she really needs to shut up. Unfortunately, the fact that she’s so busy with the “girls” and has no “time for herself” is the theme of this week’s episode so she’s not going to be shutting up any time soon. The day after tomorrow is also out—why? A dentist appointment. That’s it. Whole day shot. Poor Denise.
Trish is a slightly more talented actress than she might appear at first because she almost convincingly manages to feign sympathy for Denise and her inability to pursue Beverly Hills aesthetic treatments. “When do you do anything for you?” synchophants Trish as Denise continues to play with her makeup and hair. “You have to carve out some time to have some fun yourself or you’re going to get burnt out!” she continues. “Come on, this is what girlfriends do.” whines Trish, referring, apparently, to going to get Brazilian waxes together. “I’m telling you…” Denise says charmlessly “I’ll fuckin’ wax the bush right here.” They laugh. I do not.
Credits. Single Mom, Bitch, various other big words about Denise. Ham-handed attempt to be edgy and do a frontal attack on Denise's reputation but failing and instead coming off as kind of desperate and cheesy. "Rock" "music" plays us into the show.
Denise is in the car with Irv bitching about her assistant Sho. It’s pretty telling that Denise spends a lot of time pretending to be nice to Sho’s face and then complains about him on camera when he’s not there. It’ll become obvious that I don’t really like Sho, but considering how much of a big deal Denise makes later about the “code” of personal assistants which I interpret to mean, basically, not talking smack about your employer, this reeks of hypocrisy. Irv says that Sho doesn’t have the ability to stay organized, which would seem a pretty big liability in a personal assistant. Denise says “I know, I don’t trust him at all, Dad.” which is taking it a bit far.
Irv describes Sho as “frazzled” as we are treated to our first glimpse of the man himself looking confused and tired at his desk. I’d feel worse for him, but he comes off as kind of a prick for most of the episode. “He doesn’t know whether to shit or go blind.” Irv says, giving us the Adorable Irv quote of the episode only a few minutes in. Now we don’t even have that to look forward to.
A shot of Sho in the kitchen, looking around gormlessly with a title card identifying him as “Sho: Denise’s Assistant.” Denise follows the show’s tradition of telling us everything at least six times by interviewing that “Sho is my personal assistant.” She goes on to say that things were falling through the cracks so she had to bring Sabrina on part-time. We see a shot of Sabrina looking annoyed. It really is amazing how Denise manages as a single mom with only two personal assistants.
Unfortunately, Denise tells us, Sho and Sabrina have not been working as a team. We’re then treated to my favorite scene of the episode in which Sabrina, sitting at her desk, asks Sho, at his desk, for the phone. “There you go sunshine.” he says obnoxiously. “Thank you.” says Sabrina thinly.”Enjoy.” seethes Sho. This whole episode may be bullshit, but these two people really do despise each other. “You know we have a lot of clothes to return this week.” says Sabrina. “Really?” says Sho, fussing with some papers and not looking at her “Dandy.” He sighs expansively and leaves the room. Sho definitely gets the asshole edit this episode but you can’t make him look like a sarcastic bitter jerk if he doesn’t say things like that. Also: awesome!
Denise pops in to ask about “the clothes” and Sabrina says that she thinks Sho is taking care of it. Are you bored already? Well, try not to be, because that’s pretty much the entire plot of this episode.
Denise tells us in interview that she has “very good relationships” with a lot of stores that lend her clothes to try on and perhaps buy for photo shoots and “events”. If she doesn’t buy them, however she says “my assistants know I have to return immediately, so that they can sell them.” It’s hard to explain why “so that they can sell them” comes off so oddly, but it does.
“I love being a mom so much!” Denise gushes. “I love being with my girls. Waking them up, getting them ready for school, taking them to the dentist. Taking them to gymnastics.” We’re treated to quick shots of Denise doing all of these things while America wonders why one of Denise’s favorite things to do with her daughters is take them to the dentist. Really? Did Mommy and Me not pony up their product placement for footage?
The girls are adorable as usual. “Everything’s all about the girls.” Denise lies while her sister Michelle earns this week paycheck by whining that Denise doesn’t go out anymore. Denise makes the odd decision to go see Dr. Katz , divorce mediator for advice. Is he a therapist? I’m confused. He definitely has a scrawny-looking beard for an otherwise well-dressed and groomed guy. Dr. Katz agreeably asks Denise what the most difficult thing about divorce has been. She loves to answer questions like that. Denise claims that in the beginning, she felt a little vulnerable being by herself with the girls (and her nanny, housekeeper, two personal assistants and father, she does not say) but now she’s adjusted to it.
Dr. Katz joins the pity party by listing all the things that have gone wrong with Denise’s life and pointing out that she has a sleep disorder and a lot of baggage. “Am I fucked up?” Denise asks rhetorically in an interview.”You can be a great mom, and miss breakfast once” Dr. Katz declaims. Not, presumably, if Denise was the one fixing the breakfast for her daughters and they didn’t get breakfast if she didn’t make it. Because that would be being kind of a terrible mom. But I think he just means eating breakfast with her daughters that the cook has prepared. “You can be a great mom, and not dress Lola in her tutu” he goes on. I hope there was more than just those two things, because I think she could probably fit those two thing in and still go to get her legs waxed.
“Don’t feel guilty about being with your kids 24/7. That’s not good parenting either” says Dr. Katz which isn’t exactly what he means, but we get it.
Denise tells us because she doesn’t have a husband, she doesn’t have anyone to leave the kids with when she needs a couple of hours to herself. Besides the nanny, she doesn’t say. Seriously, is she trying to have us believe that she and Charlie Sheen juggled parenting responsibilities the way me and my husband do? “Sorry, red carpet event, I can’t make it tonight, my husband Charlie Sheen has to work, and I can’t afford a babysitter, so I need to stay home with the kids”. And now that Charlie’s not there, she just has to watch the kids all day, every day, all by herself? I kind of hate her right now.
Dr. Katz tells Denise pretty much exactly what she wants to hear which is that she should go to the spa and on vacation more. Not in so many words, but that’s basically it. And she shouldn’t feel guilty about it. He ends the session by telling her to go out and “engage with the world” and “report back” to him.
Back at the ranch, Denise is in the kitchen pretending to be miserable that Dr. Katz just told her what she wanted to hear. She fake complains that Dr. Katz told her she’s in a rut and needs to do more for herself all the while preparing and eating the largest salad I have ever seen served to one person. Seriously, it’s like a serving bowl full of salad. Suddenly Irv has one too. It looks delicious and makes me wish I had an enormous salad.
Irv tries to comfort her by telling her that she’s not crazy. “Are you sure?” Denise demands. Irv pauses for a while before saying “I don’t think you are.” Poor Irv. “Well you do spend a lot of time at home with the kids, but you’re a single mom.” Irv lies. “I don’t have a partner.” Denise whines, because that’s pretty much the only quality that she shares with real single moms. Irv asks what Dr. Katz proposed as a solution. Saint Denise tries to sound resentful as she says “His solution is I need to start spending time with my girlfriends and I guess do something that’s for myself.” What’s ridiculous about this is that real single moms don’t do stuff for themselves not because they’re Selfless Martyrs who don’t want to, but because they don’t have the time or the resources. They would if they could.
It should be pointed out that this entire conversation between what we’re supposed to believe are the oppressed primary care givers of two young girls takes place with no children present. No mention is made of where they are or who they are with because that would mean speaking the N word. And by N word I of course don’t mean the despicable word that Charlie Sheen inexplicably called Denise in a leaked voice mail but the other one: Nanny.
“I think I should build something.” Denise non-sequiturs. She says that she and her mom used to talk about building a big playhouse for the girls. Irv interviews that he thinks the idea “sounds kinda crazy.” And it does, but not just for the reasons he thinks it does.
Denise begins her task by, yeah, you guessed it, asking Second Personal Assistant Sabrina to research and purchase a playhouse for the girls. Whew, that was rough. How does Denise find the time to request her personal assistant arrange things for her? “Have the kit delivered,” she says “because I’m gonna put it together.” Sabrina is blithely supportive as Denise insists that it can’t be that hard to put a playhouse together. She also reminds Sabrina about The Clothes. Bored with that subplot. So.Bored.
Daytime and a pick-up truck with a prominently displayed bumper sticker advertising the website where I assume one purchases over-the-top playhouses like the one we’re about to see pulls up. “I hope he’s got help.” Irv grouses “When I get things delivered, it’s usually a guy older than me and he’s by himself.”
Snappy editing shows us the delivery guy, an elderly gentlemen standing alone next to the truck. I guess the company didn’t pay that much for product placement because it’s not really a great advertisement for Single Mom Fun-To-Build Playhouses that they have to take it off the truck themselves. Of course, since Denise has a multi-person staff, that’s not quite as challenging as it might be for some of us.
Sho looks petulant as he helps Irv unload some prefab playhouse walls. Denise asks if there’s directions and the old guy, sounding like Grandpa Abe, croaks “I’m sorry, there aren’t any.” It doesn’t occur to any of her assistants to look for directions online apparently, further cementing my belief that the two computers in the office are used exclusively for Googling “Denise Richards + Ritchie Sambora.”
Denise says she decided to have Sho help her with the house because “that still is really doing it myself.” Ooh snap! “He doesn’t help much.” clarifies Denise helpfully. “With anything.”Okay, got it.
They look at the kit’s hardware and a screw gun bit that Sho helpfully misidentifies as “a drill bit”. “Where’s the drill?” asks Denise, before complaining “The guy didn’t leave a drill.” I’m not even going to touch that one other than to say that I used to work in a hardware store that sold furniture kits and you don’t actually have to be a B-list celebrity to be surprised and annoyed that the necessary tools don’t just automatically come with whatever it is that you buy.
“I don’t own a drill.” says Denise, which isn’t shocking, though I’m surprised that Irv doesn’t have one. He seems like a handy guy. “We’re up shit’s creek without a paddle!” says Sho chirps annoyingly, while playing with a large clamp. They have clamps but no other tools? Denise glares at him.
Sho and Denise go to the hardware store where they purchase some tools. Denise is pretty good at sounding annoyed in interviews about just about anything, even the convenience of a wide selection of cordless drills.
As they exit, the soundtrack plays a cell phone ring while Denise pretends to answer her phone. It’s about The Clothes. They should have been dropped off two days ago, insists Denise to the person from the store. Denise explains again in interview about the stores, blah blah and the clothes blah blah and name drops a particular store. She explains that she got a phone call saying the clothes were not sent back. Which we just saw. So we already figured that out. Because we’re smart. Sho shifts uncomfortably in his passenger seat. Denise resolves the situation by having the store simply put everything on her card, whether she wanted it or not, like any poor single mom would.
Denise gets into the car and demands an explanation from Sho. Sho’s voice wavers as he explains that he told Sabrina to take the clothes back. I don’t know Sho well enough, even as an erstwhile TV personality, to be sure that he’s lying, but it seems like he’s got about half a dozen tells. He’s scratching his face, and looking away and talking kind of high in his chest. It’s awkward.
Sho says “Then I was told by her that you said not to take them back.” He’s referring to Sabrina. This whole thing is going to get pretty stupid, with each of them accusing the other of lying, but it doesn’t make it any better that Denise seems happy to trash talk each of them to the other in turn. Sho says “I’ve spent my whole morning replaying it in my head.” which doesn’t make any sense with the timeline we’ve been given, but whatever. “I just worry if it continues.” he adds. “Well it’s not going to continue.” Denise declares. We’re about to see Manager Denise in action and it’s about as ineffective as you’d think it would be.
“I’m considering quitting because of her.” self-pities Sho, sensing an opening. “I get it.” says Denise “Things need to change!” Sho lies, “I would love for her to work out, I would”. “But if she doesn’t,” counters Denise “I mean obviously, you two can’t work together. You’re my personal assistant. I don’t want things to affect your job.” If we believe what we’ve been shown, Denise doesn’t seem to think that saying she doesn’t trust him or that he’s useless on national television will “affect his job.”
“And if it is, we’ll have to deal with it.” Denise finishes grimly. I feel bad for Sabrina, mostly because she’s the most inoffensive person in this triangle of ineptitude. But also I don’t care.
Commercials and we’re back. Oh right, we’re still building the damn play house. I was almost distracted by the riveting conflict between Sho and Sabrina. In case we forgot, Denise helpfully recaps “With all the tension between Sho and Sabrina, it’s actually a nice escape to build this playhouse. I enjoyed it, I was doing my thing and I feel like I’m starting to get into the right balance.” Denise screws on a shutter. [drill whirring] adds the closed captioning helpfully. This episode seems especially padded with random shots of hills and highways and meaningless close-ups of random Southern California plants. I haven’t been recapping them, but just imagine every scene being punctuated by a lot of meaningless stuff like that. Sun glistens on dew. Cacti. You get it.
Sister Michelle arrives and Denise shows off the playhouse that we know various production assistants for the show actually assembled. “This looks soooo coooool” Michelle cooes. “I told you I could have fun and get out of my rut!” Denise crows and Michelle examines it.”Yeah, I mean, it’s cute, and all, but it’s for the girls. I don’t think this is what Dr. Katz is talking about” she criticizes. I’m not exactly sure that Dr. Katz meant that Denise couldn’t enjoy an activity that also happened to have some benefit for the girls. Like, for instance, if she got an actual, you know, acting gig, that would benefit the girls by paying for their therapy but she could still enjoy it. I mean, is the defining thing about whatever she’s supposed to be doing simply that it should create nothing positive whatsoever for the girls, even incidentally?
“I just enjoy doing something for my kids.” whines Denise. “The doctor tells you you have to get out more because you’re a single parent and you go build your kids a frickin’ playhouse?” Michelle hectors.
“Everyone’s been up my [bleep] about doing things for myself.” Denise complains in an interview. Back at the pretty pink playhouse, Michelle says she has a plan and that she’s going to call Denise’s “girlfriends.” I have watched enough of this kind of crappy reality television to know that that pretty much means one thing: spa day! I mean, I’ve had a pedicure and a massage and those things were nice but I really feel like if someone was determined to get me out of the house to do something I’d enjoy there’s a lot of other things I’d pick first. Concert. Nice meal. Strip club. Something.
Denise can’t wait to see the look on Sam and Lola’s faces when they see their beautiful pink playhouse. Cut to the little girls inside the thing, with Denise sitting outside, fishing for compliments (a big mistake with toddlers.) “How do you like the house I built you?” she baby talks at them.”Ohhhh, not so much .” says the older girl and slams the door in Denise’s face. Are you starting to think that maybe these little girls are a tiny bit spoiled? Not so much because the girl said that, but because she didn’t get lifted out of the playhouse bodily and placed in a time out for doing so. Denise just looks disappointed. Poor, poor Denise.
Denise calls her Dad into her bedroom so that she can pick his brain about the Personal Assistant Drama. Not a bad choice, but since she never takes his advice usually, I’m not sure why she seeks it so much. Instead of over-explaining everything per usual, she just appears to start the story in the middle. “So I told Sho ‘get these back as soon as possible’ and so he said, ‘I’ll take care of it, I’ll take care of it’ and today I get a phone call and they don’t have the stuff.” That has to be the most confusing summation of events we’ve heard so far. It must be noted that pretty much every version of these rather boring events seems to conflict somehow. I think all of these people just need to pay more attention to like, everything. And maybe talk less.
She explains that Sho is pointing fingers at Sabrina and Sabrina is saying that Sho never told her to do it. Denise claims that it’s not that the fact that it’s about clothes that upsets her, but the lying. “Well, we don’t know if he’s lying for sure.” says Irv wisely. This is the last time the idea that this could be a miscommunication and not a pack of lies is mentioned. “Let’s set ‘em both down, put them together in the same room and let’s talk it out.” Good advice Irv. He doesn’t say “let’s accuse them both of lying and then let them bitch at each other until someone breaks.” But that’s apparently what Denise hears.
Denise tells us that she doesn’t care if someone makes a mistake, but that if they’re lying, she can’t help but not trust them. I see her point, but then again, your staff usually lie to you about mistakes if they actually have reason to believe that you do care if they make them.
Sho sits in an armchair looking kind of dicky. I’m not sure how he does that, just sitting there, but you’ll have to take my word for it. Sabrina sits across from him, chewing on the inside of her cheek.
Irv sums up the problem for both of them, but then ruins it by saying “we need to find out who’s lying and what happened.” I really think that’s a terrible way to approach a problem like this, even if you firmly believe one of them is lying. It’s just going to put both of them on the defensive, which is what ends up happening.
“And by the way” Denise says “I don’t care if people screw up as long as someone takes responsibility for it.” Somehow I doubt that, but I’m sure she felt good saying it like it was true.
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