(season one episode eight)
Denise, Kim, Trish and Michelle travel to Hawaii to try and recapture some of their youth, but Denise's fear or flying and the paparazzi get in the way of their fun.
We open to a shot of LA traffic while Denise interviews that “Everyone in my life has told me there’s one thing I still need to do since my marriage has ended. Do something about the Charlie tattoo on my ankle.” That’s our Denise, grammatically challenged advice-taker. We see a shot of the word Charlie scripted onto Denise’s ankle. Wow, that was really stupid. What about all the people in your life that told you the marriage would never last and you shouldn’t get the tattoo in the first place, Denise?
She tells us that she wanted to go to “the best” which, read as “wanted to do a cross-promotion with LA Ink” and that she called Kat Von D. I dislike celebrity tattoo artists as a genre, though I really like tattoos generally and I can’t quite bring myself to hate Kat Von D. I mean, at least she has an actual skill, while Denise is good primarily at making inflammatory statements about her ex-husband and posing nearly naked. I also kind of enjoy how low-key and professional she is with Denise during this segment. I mean, I sort of get that maybe Kat doesn’t quite buy Denise’s bullshit. That said, she did agree to be on the show, so she loses some points there.
Denise and Old Blonde Friend Kim enter the tattoo parlor while paparazzi film them. Denise whines “I hate this…””Look at them, they’re like leeches” adds Kim, which shows either a misunderstanding of how a leech actually behaves or a general incompetence with the formulation of similes. Or both.
Since the bulk of what this episode is “about” is Denise’s distaste for the paparazzi, I guess I’ll be pointing things like this out a lot but here goes: Walking into a celebrity tattoo parlor in the middle of LA with a camera crew following you is not exactly the best way to avoid being photographed. If avoiding being photographed is what you really want. Denise has her spray-tanner come over the house, I expect Kat Von D would have happily made a house call. I mean, I get that the relationship between celebrities and the paps is both hostile and symbiotic. But these protestations that Denise makes about how the paparazzi are awful and ruin her life are annoying primarily because it’s patently obvious that she wants us to believe that she’s more famous than she is. It’s not enough to have your picture everywhere, she has to complain about the process while blatantly courting it. Denise is really only famous lately because her picture shows up in the tabloids. Pretending that all you want to do is stay home with your kids while creating photo ops and doing a reality show doesn’t make you Angelina Jolie. But I’ll get weary of making this point long before this recap ends.
Kat Von D’s tattoo parlor looks freakin’ awesome actually, with this huge goth background of melted red candles. Denise decides that she needs something tattooed over her Charlie tattoo to mask it. I agree with this idea, but it’s also good that she didn’t decide to get the tattoo removed, because she’s at a tattoo parlor, not a plastic surgeon’s.
They discuss that it will hurt, which I’d think Denise would know since she got the first tattoo done on her ankle already. Kat offers up the following made-up fact, “The female body is designed to handle pain better than men just because our bodies are made for childbirth.” Um, thanks Kat Von D. I would have liked her better if she’d say “because our bodies are made for plastic surgery.” But she’s being nice to Denise, which is, I guess, appropriate. The customer is always first.
Kat gets to work and there is much buzzing of tattoo needles and mindless gibberish from Denise. I am slightly sympathetic to Denise, because tattoos do make you a little loopy, but then she says “Pain for beauty. My babysitter used to tell me that when I was little when she’d yank my hair braiding it.” It’s a tattoo Denise, not regression therapy.
Shots of Kat working intercut with shots of Denise gritting her teeth in pain. We see the final tattoo and it’s a lame fairy, but it must be said Kat’s done a really good job. You can’t see the name at all. I’m not sure that replacing Charlie with a pedestrian fairy tattoo is really that much of an improvement, but Denise is pretty boring. I should probably be grateful she didn’t get a random Chinese symbol or a shamrock. Also, I guess I don’t care.
“Now he’s not going to be all bummed out about it, is he?” asks Kat who clearly doesn’t read the tabloids. Denise is once again annoying ly surprised that someone she encounters isn’t already aware of the intimate details of her life, marriage and divorce, despite her best efforts to splash them all over the internet. She and Kim laugh and say, no, they don’t think Charlie will mind.
Credits: Bitter ex-wife. Heather Locklear’s Sloppy Seconds Stealer. Binge Dieter. Irresponsible Pet Owner. Self-Tanner. Creepy Aunt. We have learned a lot about Denise from this show haven’t we? Oh and there’s a new one: Trampy Tattoo Haver. It’s Complicated.
We see a rare shot of the girls. I know there’s this effort to not have Denise’s daughters be front and center in this show, and I think that’s appropriate. But since one of her constant refrains is about how tough it is to be a single mom, it’s a little ridiculous that every encounter with them is brief and scripted. And that they clearly have a nanny who’s never mentioned or shown. Denise ask the girls “who wants to help pack?” Sister Michelle and Friend Trish are hanging out on Denise’s bed watching her pack. Seriously, do these women have nothing else to do? Denise interviews that her sister and their “girlfriends” are leaving tomorrow for their “fabulous vacation in Hawaii”. I kind of hate the construction “girlfriend” for female friend if only because it makes clear that the speaker doesn’t even allow for the possibility of homosexuality at all. Like it doesn’t even occur to them. Also it’s something my grandmother used to say and it made me giggle.
Much as she’s looking forward to the trip, Denise tells us, she’s going to miss her girls “a ton”. “I’m going to Hawaii” Denise tells one of the girls, who responds adorably “Malibu”. “Hawaii.”corrects Denise “Malibu!” insists the little girl, for some inscrutable toddler reason. I love how kids pretty much insist on being totally themselves, no matter what kind of annoying famewhore they have for a mother. Of course, Denise recently told the tabloids that her little girls are in therapy. I’ve got no real issue with them being in therapy if it’s helpful, though it’s a little sad. However, DENISE: You know what’s worse than needing therapy as a toddler? Having your mother tell the press that it’s because your dad is an asshole. Just thought you’d like to know. Denise claims that she shared this information so she could make other parents whose kids are in therapy feel better. She seems to be unaware that most parents aren’t going to feel better to discover that their lives resemble Denise’s.
We segue immediately into Denise and her friends sifting through a ridiculous number of bikinis on the floor while Denise gushes about how excited she is to be going on vacation without her kids. The little girls flitter around in the background around what, since I saw the last episode, I clearly can identify as a Pilates machine. Denise asks if anyone wants to take a surf or skinboarding lesson. Since they’re leaving tomorrow for an expensive and popular vacation destination, I personally would have worked out these details earlier. Michelle demurs, saying she’ll “take pictures” of Denise doing it. I’m not sure if this is supposed to be some kind of foreshadowing of the paparazzi conflict, or some subtle distinction being made about whose taking the picture and for what purpose, or that people just say random boring crap on this show and no one really cares. I kind of think the last one, and I’m not saying that just to be mean. I really do try to understand.
Denise, who is such a Debbie Downer, like, all the time, announces that she has a problem. Because she didn’t lose her ten pounds (she probably should have used that Pilates machine the girls are playing on in the background instead of doing sit-ups on her lawn) all of her bathing suit bottoms are “skimpy”. Her friends look as apprehensive as we feel about suffering through another grueling episode about Denise trying to lose weight. However, Denise appears to laugh it off so we can all relax. Far be it from me to accuse anything of not being entirely true-to-life on this show, but sometimes I think all these weight-loss moments were filmed after the trip to Hawaii and the unflattering photos were taken. Sort of as a “I know I’m fat so it doesn’t matter” kind of thing. The thing is, there’s a relatively easy solution to not looking good in a bikini – it’s called a one piece bathing suit and the rest of us mere mortals wear them almost exclusively for exactly the same reason Denise should: we don’t want anyone to see our gut. Is that really such an untenable proposition?
Dan pretends to ask if there’s anything he do to get them ready for their plane trip, neatly setting Denise up to explain that she hates to fly. Old Blonde Friend Kim, sacked out on the window sill, clarifies that Denise is “petrified” of flying. Oh god. Could we have one episode that doesn’t focus on Denise complaining about something?
As has become standard practice on this show, Denise seeks to pretend to solve her pretend problem by having Dan set up some ridiculous product placement. I’m actually a terrible flier myself and the way I deal with it is simple: Vodka Tonics. Or Valium. This workaday solution obviously isn’t good enough for Denise who claims that, prior to September 11 she was allowed to fly in the cockpit, which for some reason made her feel better, but now they won’t let her do that anymore for security reasons. God, the tragedies from that terrible day just keep compounding. I’m a little bit amazed that she was ever allowed to sit in the cockpit, though perhaps it’s some kind of special First Class/celebrity perk. Though can you imagine trying to fly a plane with Denise Richards complaining robotically at you, laughing gratingly and flipping her hair around? I wonder if the pilots aren’t just using September 11 as a convenient excuse.
Denise tells us that a few years ago she had a panic attack and broke out into hives and had to be taken off the plane to the emergency room. I would be so fucking pissed if I had to sit on a runway and wait for Drama Queen Denise to get escorted off the plane by EMT’s. I was on a plane once when someone had chest pains and we all had to sit on the tarmac for an hour after landing while EMT’s got on the plane, treated him and then carried him off. I didn’t mind so much, because I felt bad for the guy, but if I had to sit through that because Denise Richards had hives, I’d want to kill someone. Denise describes this experience as being “allergic to the plane”.
Old Blonde Friend Kim, now described by the chyron as “Denise’s Best Friend” (it looks like she got promoted, I hope that comes with a pay raise) insists that she HAS to do something to help Denise with her fear of flying. Something more, presumably, than giving her a Xanax. Something of a theme has emerged with this show. Denise announces that she has a problem, everyone scrambles to fix it, having zany adventures along the way and being only marginally successful and then at the end of the show Denise abruptly decides that it doesn’t matter anyway. The lack of imagination at work here is somewhat stunning.
Dan, who is apparently the only one in the house who can use the internet for anything besides Googling for pictures of Denise, announces that he’s discovered a company called iFly that will help Denise cure her fear of flying. I have friends that did this, and it was pretty fun, but I really can’t see how being buffeted up inside a tube by a huge gust of air is going to help anyone’s fear of flying on an airplane. It might, conceivably, help someone conquer a fear of heights, but since when is simply subjecting yourself to an experience that terrifies you enough to solve your fear anyway? And I am certain that experiencing something only tangentially connected to what you’re actually afraid of will have no effect at all. Well, it’s the opportunity to see Denise cram her hair into another helmet, anyway. Denise is game, however, because she’s stupid and doesn’t appear to notice or care when things don’t make any sense.
Denise helpfully says that she thinks it’s “all a crock of shit” but that she’ll do it. That actually sums up how I feel about watching this show.
iFly is predominately product-placed as Old Blonde Friend Kim and Agreeable Irv approach with Denise. Denise attempts wry humor as she signs some kind of damage waiver.
Burly iFly employee explains that there’s a set of hand-signals he’s going to teach them so that they can communicate in the wind tunnel. I bet Denise is wishing she’d paid more attention to Dog Trainer Jeff now. Denise asks if the experience will “cure” your fear of flying. IFly guy looks flustered and then lies, amiably, after a long pause. “It…can…yes”. Denise, predictably enough, now interviews what appears to be annoyance with the iFly employee, instead of with the various “friends” and producers that put her up to this.
It’s not that I mind that so many of the segments are pointless and stupid, it’s that they generally just show Denise saying that it’s pointless and stupid and then doing it anyway, complaining when it’s pointless and stupid. I just keep getting this overwhelming feeling that Denise would be a really irritating person to be friends with. Like the kind of person that would agree to go on a spontaneous road trip and then complain the whole way.
Denise fits yet another helmet on, while Off-Camera-Hair-Stylist cringes. They fly up in a big tube and Denise lets looose with a predictable stream of profanity. Did it cure her fear of flying? posits Denise. “We’ll see tomorrow”. Doesn’t she know?
They arrive at the airport and board the plane. Denise is sitting next to Old Blonde Friend Kim and drama queening her anxiety by shaking her seat. Kim bitches “Are you going to shake the seats the whole Bleeping time?” Denise tells her to shut the Bleep up because she’ s trying to relax. Kim seems genuinely annoyed and says “You ask for my help and then you bitch at me.” Go Old Blonde Friend! You tell her. I bet her pay was docked for this. Denise interviews that Kim is driving her crazy on the flight because she’s “Chatty Cathy”. But, says Denise, one good thing has come out of it. “We actually laughed the whole way to Hawaii”. Presumably between the princess fits we just witnessed and after the Xanax kicked in. Footage of them cracking themselves up. The man sitting behind them in First Class looks genuinely irritated, whether by the presence of the cameras or the cackling of the High Maintenance twins, we don’t find out.
The Skinny bitches deplane in Hawaii to the predictable sound track of canned Hawaiian music. Denise is wearing a ridiculous cowboy hat. They hit an airport coffee bar and Denise starts complaining immediately about the lack of “Kona coffee”. This is shaping up to be an awesome trip already, you guys.
The lone paparazzo, hired by the producers to give Denise something to complain about (which, really, they shouldn’t have bothered, she’s good at finding things herself) snaps a few shots of them. Denise interviews “I’m trying to just relax after that flight, and the paparazzi(sic) is already here.” I hate to split hairs Denise, but it’s just one paparazzo. The rest of them are at a different gate snapping one the girls from Bad Girls. The photographer approaches Denise and asks where she’s staying. She’s sarcastic to him, but his attitude, to me, says “No really, where are you staying? The producers hired me and I’m supposed to meet you there.” There is a quit cut of the same guy shooting pictures, in a way that’s supposed to imply there’s more than one, but sorry. Just one. Paparazzo.
Denise voices her frustration in the car and hopes that the paparazzi don’t follow her to her hotel. Fortunately, they all appear to have heard a rumor that one of the runners up from American Idol is staying on the island, so they’re all over there. Skinny Trish, with a ridiculous amount of venom for someone, who, after all, can go anywhere she wants without being photographed because people care even less about her than they do Denise complains, about being on vacation with a “camera in your face.” I’d love to say that the litany of Denise’s complaints about the paparazzi end here, but alas, it’s only the beginning.
They get lost on their way to the hotel. Denise says “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be spoiled, but I’m used to being picked up.” The long road to obscurity is going to be challenging for Denise.
The dumbettes arrive at their product placed hotel where Denise announces “Being simple and having an adventure, that’s what this vacation is about.” It always depresses the hell out of me in real life when someone says something like that. Like “This is going to be so much fun!” It’s the kiss of death for actual fun. Coincidentally, there’s a copy of the Shape magazine with Denise on the cover in her room and she exclaims over it. They stand on the balcony and woodenly gush about how amazing everything is and I am once again filled with ennui. Nothing ruins a trip like someone constantly talking about how much fun it’s going to be so cut it out. “This is going to be a fun weekend, you guys” says Denise. They flew to Hawaii for the weekend? Maybe the little girl was right and they really are in Malibu.
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