Denise Richards: It's Complicated (Weekend in the Country)
(season one episode six)
Denise visits her family. Denise babysits her nephew and his teenage friends.
We open with hard-working, perpetually-in-need -of-a-break, single mom Denise relaxing in her enormous tub, surrounded by candles, reading a "script" and talking to her sister on one of those phones that you just hold vaguely near your face and shout into. She explains, pointlessly, that they each call the other "Nellie" and that she doesn't know why. Like most of the little quirky details Denise shares it sounds either made up or pointlessly stupid.
Denise lets her sister know what she's doing and explains, when asked about her weekend plans, that she doesn't have "the girls." I'm immediately curious - are they with Evil Charlie? Or off somewhere with the invisible nanny that we never see or hear about but that I'm convinced exists? Or spending the weekend at Promises Treatment Center already?
Michelle asks, (apparently she is also reading a script, though out loud) "When was the last time you went fishing?" Because really, America wants to know. She invites Denise down for a "white trash weekend", offending 75 percent of the show's viewership and myself at 30 seconds in. Don't worry, it's far from the last time. Denise then talking- heads that she and her sister have a "little family inside joke" where they call each other white trash. This is a whole lot of stuff about things that she and her sister call each other isn't it?
This is followed by some 70's era still shots of her and her sister looking not particularly white trash at all during their childhood and her sister's husband Brandon hopping over some shit in an off-road vehicle and looking very white trash indeed. Whatever that even means. Who are these people? The goal of this show is clearly to make Denise appear down-to-earth and likable but I'm not sure that shots of her being high-maintenance about so-called "white trash" activities and discussing soft core porn with her nephew are exactly going to accomplish that. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
An exterior shot of Denise's nicely appointed home demonstrates, one supposes, how far this little middle class girl has come. Like so much on this show the point about Denise's roots is made by telling and not showing and seems made up and kind of irrelevant.
Credits: Glamour Girl. Gold digger. Single Mom. Bitch. Sex Symbol. Husband Stealer. Paparazzi magnet. Daddy's Girl. Movie Star. Tabloid Queen. Denise Richards: It's complicated. Or as I prefer it "Denise Richards: It's all a pack of lies." At least the credits don't say "Bond girl" because that would just be annoying. It is confusing that they don't mention "Vindictive ex-wife" but perhaps it's because that one's true. Or maybe that's what meant by Gold Digger? The proceedings will demonstrate that she really isn't a Movie Star, Sex Symbol or Single Mom but that she is frequently kind of a Bitch.
The show opens with Agreeable Irv, carrying one of the menagerie for no apparent reason, coming upon Denise in her closet. She has one of those enormous shoe shelves where all the boxes have Polaroids on the front so you can see what's inside without opening the boxes. All the poor single mom's have those. Irv says adorably : "for a boy weekend I think you're packing the wrong stuff here". I bet they give him lines that are pretty normal and then he just " Irvs them up" himself.
Denise talking heads what we've already been told so many times that it's basically the only content of this episode so far: Us getting told that Denise is going on a "white trash" "boy" weekend. What a "boy" weekend is I have no idea. She is packing for this (yes, we know, we know) ridiculously by holding up shiny red pumps as if deciding whether or not to take them. Single moms are such shoe sluts! Once they've made good on their white trash roots of course. Dune buggies are discussed. Brandon, the brother-in-law, is discussed while we see footage of him. Tattoos, check. Baiting a hook, check. To be honest, he looks like kind of a nice guy, not overly-handsome, with an easy-going smile."Don't they want to go to a spa?" simpers Denise to her dad. Spoiled Brat. Idiot. It's complicated.
Irv having earned his paycheck for the week, and still, for some reason, carrying the damn dog, chuckles and exits, repeating his line about the "wrong stuff." Denise underscores the fact that her father is naturally much, much more charismatic than she is by unfunnily observing the red pumps she's still holding and whispering that she's going to take them anyway.
Music described by the closed captioning as "mid tempo country" plays as Denise drives her SUV down twisty roads in a rural area just in case we were confused and thought we were still in LA. The music would have us believe that she is hours from home but it basically looks to me like all of southern California does once you get out of the city limits. Deserty looking hills and not much going on. It can't be that far away, Denise's sister is always over her house. And anyway, doesn't Denise periodically insist that she lives "on a farm"? Denise Richards. Movie Star. Farmer. It's complicated.
Denise pulls up into the driveway of what is clearly an upscale housing development with a dune buggy in the driveway and the door is answered by her sister, holding an adorable baby. Denise narrates that her sister lives in a house of "all boys" and introduces us to her brother-in-law and three nephews, the oldest of which is Al, aged 13. Denise begins the utter humiliation that is Al's lot this episode by describing him as a "typical teenager, a little awkward, and a little embarrassed." Al is cute, but with that douchy, spiked-up hair style young boys favor. Denise begins her assault on his dignity by asking him if he likes any girls at school. His voice cracks as he answers "yes" and he explains that he has friends that are girls. Not after this airs, buddy. As he walks out, Denise murmurs to the camera (i.e. "herself") "oh that age." Her daughters are much younger than he is, so one wonders where she gets her world weariness about male teenagers. Considering the ridiculous subplot of this episode it seems probable that she knows them primarily as her fan base.
Denise continues to demonstrate the theme of this episode ("Denise has no class") by asking her sister and her husband in front of their three kids if they're "done with three." Denise's sister says "Didn't you know he got that vasectomy?" hilariously giving it the same line reading as if she was saying "Didn't you know he got that Faith Hill CD?" Much forced gaiety ensues and the words "neutered" and "fixed" are used. Brandon appears to be one of those people who don't really give a shit about anything and says that since it's been six weeks, coincidentally enough, it's time for him to bring in his "specimen" so his sterility can be checked. Denise questions him further and he says its "gonna be quite the task" explaining that the clinic is more than an hour away and the specimen needs to be delivered within an hour. Some jokes are made about Denise watching the kids while they go and - it's not even clear-do it in the parking lot? Are these people really this stupid? Brandon seems to be under the impression that you need your wife's help to give a sperm sample. So does everyone, actually. It's ridiculous. At Denise's request he goes to get the "jar, instructions, the whole deal" that he needs to use to supply his sample so she can see it. It looks medical and comes in a plastic bag. This is all kind of icky, but it's nothing compared to the ickiness to come, so it seems tame.
Denise and her sister discuss the weekend's plans which include, fishing, go carting and riding on Brandon's dune buggy. Denise is hesitant about the dune buggy but doesn't want to say anything lest she hurt Brandon's feelings. What? More than when you made him discuss his vasectomy on television? Brandon is clearly bullet-proof anyway, so I'm not sure what's she's pretending to be worried about.
Go carts are up first and Denise is worried that her outfit (black tank top and pink booty jean shorts) isn't appropriate but Michelle says its fine. "Won't I burn my legs?" she asks, which I don't really understand and Al, suddenly shown to have been in the room the whole time, says very seriously "No."
The exterior of an establishment called "Pole Position" is shown, prominently enough that I assume it's product placed. Is that not a little weird? What kind of clientele are they going for by appearing on this show?
Denise giggles as she puts some kind of ski-mask over her head before putting on the helmet, asking if you just put it on like a "burggeler" (sic). Then laughs her annoying fake laugh while a male go cart employee watches her lustfully. The hair stylist that is almost definitely on hand for all of these scenes cringes as she places a large helmet over her hair. Rock music plays as Al and Brandon zip around the course in little cars. I never do shit like this, but it looks fun enough. "Whimsical "music plays as Denise drives her car ridiculously slowly around the course. Occasionally this show picks up the theme "Denise is a dork" and then quickly abandons it, so this must be one of those kinds of scenes. Many shots of Denise driving very slowly while various people encourage her to go faster. An embarrassed go kart track employee holds up a handmade sign that says "go faster " after clearly exchanging looks with the cameraman to make sure he's doing it at the right time. After racing Denise flips her perfect hair over her shoulder and asks the two year old "Mac, did you see us race?". He ignores her, but you can tell from his posture how much he despises his ridiculous aunt. Mac is awesome.
It just seems to go on and on as people keep making fun of Denise for going slowly and she talking heads about going slowly and Brandon talking heads about how slowly she was going and really, we get it and there wasn't that much to get in the first place.
Michelle and Brandon's house. Michelle, who is really quite attractive, looks particularly beautiful leaning on her kitchen counter and holding, for some reason, a dry dish towel wadded up in her hand. Denise tortures Mac by forcing him to pretend to enjoy playing with her on the floor. She asks when Michelle and Brandon last had a night out, just the two of them (and her TV cameras) and then offers to babysit so they can go out tonight. She asks Mac if she should babysit for them and he makes a non-committal noise which I interpret to mean that he hates her, but thinks if he gets her alone, he might be able to kick her in the teeth. As Denise voice-overs that watching 3 boys can't possibly be that hard, Mac wins the love of the American viewing public by pulling Denise's hair. Brandon says "be nice Mac" in a low key way, telegraphing that he thinks his sister in law should stick to taking her clothes off and avoid talking. Denise interviews basically that boys will be boys over footage of Mac smacking her in the noggin, clearly oblivious to the Stewie-Griffin-esque monologue he has going in his adorable little head.
Establishing shots of Hicksville CA remind us that we are still not in LA. Denise pretends to feed the baby while Al asks her if he can have some friends over. Denise asks if his mom lets have friends over at night and Al says yeah, while shifty-sounding music implies that he's lying. The whole scene is ridiculous because Denise says "ask your mom" and it turns out that his parents are still home. And he's not lying because his mom totally lets him have friends over. Not sure why Al got the "sneaky and manipulative" edit there, but it hardly matters given what character assassination is to follow.
Michelle enters, dressed up for her night out and looking utterly fabulous and Brandon says to Al, weirdly "You know if you've got friends over you need to make sure they respect this house. You're in charge of those boys. I'll hear about it if you don't." And then punches his palm aggressively. I can't shake the idea that he's talking about internet porn.
Mac promptly regrets his assent to this terrible plan and begins bawling as they exit, while Denise flaps helplessly that they're going to have fun. Quick shots of the kids being a handful and of Denise doing the only thing in this episode that at all indicates that she has kids of her own - sniffing the baby's butt to see if he needs a diaper change. A gorgeous full moon tells us it's nighttime even as the establishing shot of the "Penfold's Cattle Company" restaurant shows us it's still light out. Brandon and Michelle sit at a large booth awkwardly chatting. Some poached shrimp arrives and Brandon claims confusion with "poaching" as in "hunting during the off season". Just in case we hadn't gotten that he's white trash. Hick. Tattooed Man. Trash. It's complicated.
Back at the house, Mac continues to further his plan to drive his aunt crazy and then eat her by flopping around and whining, shirtless, on a chair while Denise pretends to change the baby's diaper. She says "I did it!" with the pride of someone changing a diaper for the first time. Denise Richards. Single Mom. Who's never changed a diaper. It's complicated.
Al's "friends" show up. All at once, because that's what happens when you ask three people, who live at different houses, to come over. Jake and Sefa look his age and level of dorkiness, while tall, long-haired Cameron looks like an older kid they hired for the day. Denise shakes all of their hands, because that's what you do when you meet 13 year old boys. They lounge around, looking awkward, so Denise decides to up the awkwardness ante by asking her favorite question for the pubescent "Do you guys have girlfriends?" Really, she's like someone's gross old uncle. For some reason, the background music here is all low and tuba-filled and reminds me of the shark theme from Jaws. They giggle awkwardly and only suave Cameron admits to having girlfriends or "exes" as he calls them. Denise then voice-overs her shock and disgust that they are only 13 and have girlfriends. Why do you keep ASKING them that question if you're only going to be UPSET by the answer?
Al asks if they can go up to his room and Denise asks what they're going to do. I would have given Sefa 100 dollars right here to say "circle jerk" but Cameron continues his Disney channel audition and says "Just teenagers hanging out". Right, because that is how 13 year old boys refer to themselves. They slouch up the stairs while Denise claims to be suspicious of what they are doing.
Up in Al's room Cameron says "I've got a surprise for you" and pulls from behind him (where it's just sitting on the bed, so how did it get there without Al knowing, oh whatever there's no point in even discussing how staged this all is) the Playboy issue featuring Denise.
What makes this so icky is that even if it's staged Al's embarrassment as his friends flip through the issue is palpable and real. He stammers "you're a perv" and giggles nervously. Al keeps saying "perv, you guys are pervs" with his back up against the wall and his eyes darting around uncomfortably. It's icky, but trust our Denise, it's about to get ickier.
Denise calls her sister at the restaurant while Mac sits beside her on the couch sucking his thumb and rolling his eyes in disgust at her stupidity. Because a good way to let your sister enjoy a night out with her husband is to call her on her cell phone about nothing. Denise claims to be "suspicious" of what the boys are doing and Michelle laughs at her. Again, what is it? Smoking crack? Hiring a stripper? Comparing penis size? What is it that they could possibly be doing that you would want to know about?
She creeps up the stairs to ominous-sounding music and opens the door to discover them holding her magazine. Everyone pretends to look shocked. Commercial. Sigh.
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