For some reason, after the break they replay the scene of Denise's shocking discovery and she once again redundantly voice overs what we've just watched happen. The good thing is, you could totally be blind and get what was going on on this show. Al's "friends'" reaction shots show them clearly bored with the whole thing instead of caught out and ashamed as Denise sends them all home so she can "talk to Al." Al and Sefa fake wrestle a bit on his way out the door and it's cute and natural and I want to scream "Sefa! Don't leave him alone with her!" but they all shuffle out obediently.
Denise interviews that she was "mortified and embarrassed" but she needed to sit down with Al because it's "time we had the talk". I was confused at first viewing because I thought it was the talk about the birds and the bees, but no, it's actually "the talk" about why your aunt showed her tatas to the entire free world in Playboy. I never had that talk, did you?
Al slumps in a chair looking nauseous while Denise experiments with the role of being the grown up by saying, "Do you have any questions?" Al says he doesn't. Denise decides to "answer" him anyway by saying that she did Playboy four months after her daughter was born to show that "it's okay for moms to be sexy." This is hilariously contradicted in a later episode when she considers doing Playboy again and it's clearly about the money and publicity. But Al is young so I suppose the "moms are sexy too" explanation is good enough for his young brain.
Al looks like he wants to die while Denise goes on to say that she's done a movie that his friends have probably told him about called "Wild Things". He claims never to have heard of it, which, whether true or not should have been a big, glaring neon sign that he didn't want to talk about it. Denise is insisting that they need to talk about this (why? Why do they need to talk about this?) and says that he's lying and he HAS seen it. He says he's seen "a few parts" which, yeah, so has everyone and in case we didn't know what they're talking about, we are granted a few PG shots of Denise making out with Neve Campbell in the pool. This is icky. I want Denise to leave him alone.
After being pressed for questions further, Al remembers his line and says "Does it bug you that people see you naked?" so that Denise can hold forth on how she thinks the body is beautiful. She asks if he's embarrassed that she did that and he stammers "a little bit but .." but she interrupts him to say "Why? I bet I'm the only aunt at school that's in playboy, right?" Denise, that's why he's embarrassed, you moron. The little talk ends and Denise says "So you're not going to be embarrassed?" and he says "just a little bit", because honestly, what can he say? Of course, she didn't ask him if he's going to be embarrassed when this shit airs. Because you know what makes your aunt being in Playboy less embarrassing? Her explaining that she did it to prove that "moms can be sexy." He says "I'll always love you, you're my aunt" and then she presses her implants up against him in a hug, which maybe wasn't the most appropriate end to a conversation about her nudity, but the whole thing is screwed up so who knows? She then says that they're glad it was her that found it and not his mom, which to me implies that she's going to keep it between them, until, of course, his parents have to sign a release to allow him to appear in the show and the goddamn thing airs. Denise looks pleased with how she handled the whole situation. Of course, the instant his parents walk in the door they spot the magazine she's left on the kitchen counter and she just tells them what happened.
Brandon seems to find the whole thing hilarious and I'm suddenly certain that he has his own copy of that issue anyway, in which he can stare at his sister-in-law and she, deliciously, cannot talk.
They giggle and quickly segue into how they're all going fishing tomorrow. Denise brats that she can't go fishing. Like, why did she come? The planned activities were clearly stated to be go-carting, fishing and riding a dune buggy at the beginning of the episode.
A rooster crows to let us know that its morning and we're still in Hicksville. Shots of hickish mailboxes and lawn decorations and then some ducks. They ride up to some fishing/camping area and Denise says "This is worse than I thought. We'll need a hepatitis shot". I can't figure out exactly what she means there but I also can't think of any way in which it's not obnoxious. They screw around with their fishing gear while Denise whines that she can't believe she brought her YSL bag fishing and dabs at a huge white leather purse with a tissue. Yeah, Denise, I can't believe it either. Some girlish squeamishness ensues as Denise tries to bait her hook with a worm. She attempts to cast her rod into the lake, in my opinion dangerously close to Mac who is playing with a toy rod on the shore, though it goes unmentioned. Perhaps the murderous impulses are mutual. Then Mac throws dirt at her and it gets in her mouth. Seriously, the kid speaks for a nation. I love how his parents completely fail to discipline him for abusing his aunt.
After the break we are treated to more hick still lives and Denise suggesting that they leave. However, baby John needs to be changed first so they head up to the trailer home of Brandon's friend Dan. Dan's house is kind of depressing and small and he shows off his new tattoo - an Eminem's -tattoo-of-his-daughter-Haley-style portrait of his son on his chest. Besides not understanding why people get tattoos of their kids at one age, when they grow and change so quickly, I'm also upset that this tattoo is a really bad likeness and with the long hair his son looks like a girl. It's a little depressing how ugly the tattoo is. Denise shows off her "Charlie" ankle tattoo. Why?
Denise tries to pretend that she doesn't find his living situation depressing by commenting that this area has "a lot of great stuff for kids". Yeah, Denise, like hepatitis. She then insists that she admires him for wanting to be a good dad, which juxtaposed with the shot of her Charlie tattoo five seconds ago, is clearly a shot at her ex. The thing is, while I'm far from a Charlie Sheen fan, I somehow doubt he's threatened by the exemplary fathering of this man.
Dan expresses some embarrassment at living on a "trailer ranch" and the "white trash kinda thing" setting Saint Denise up nicely for her line: "There are a lot of people who have a lot of money and live in big mansions and are white trash". Whoever could you mean, Denise? Elvis? No! Denise admits that she, herself, still has white trash "in her" like it's a blood disorder and they laugh awkwardly while Dan wipes his mouth and clearly wonders if he's going to get the chance to put a little bit more white trash in her. Alas, Dan's trailer will remain unrocked, at least as far as we know, because we immediately cut to the dune buggy course or track or whatever it is.
They ride around on a dune buggy which is a small car with big wheels and no roof or doors and Denise swears and screams and generally acts like a dork. Some kind of shaky camera work lets us see her in her helmet as she screams things that are largely bleeped out. Commercial. When we come back credits are flashed quickly for some reason that thank, among other things, Playboy magazine for the "images." It's a good thing someone was able to get those permissions sorted out so quickly, what with the surprise of Cameron showing up with that issue.
They pull up in the dune buggy and after the hair stylist fixes Denise's hair somewhere off camera she shouts woodenly "This is an awesome white trash weekend!" For some reason she is saying goodbye to Al at the dune buggy place and Denise presses her supple body up against his quivering adolescent one once again as she says "Bye Al! I love you!" He produces another (the same?) copy of Denise's Playboy issue and asks her to sign it, so he can "sell it to my dorky friend Cameron". Which, what? She is clearly no longer "embarrassed and mortified" by the issue, I guess now that she's had her "moms can be hot" conversation with him. She autographs it with a sharpie he's been thoughtful enough to bring along, telling him to get a lot of money for it. Well, I'm glad that worked out.
Brandon says they should top off their weekend by going to get a beer, but Michelle whines that she can't because she has the kids. Brandon says "Well, me and Denise are going. We'll meetcha at the house.” On behalf of Michelle and all moms everywhere: Fuck you Brandon.
They enter the road house tavern, all of its neon beer signs blurred, as clichéd and insulting banjo music plays and unattractive-looking men eye them suspiciously. I suppose it's likely that all these people would recognize Denise Richards, but then again walking around with a camera crew is like walking around with a huge neon arrow that says "Hey you! Stare here!" Brandon orders a Bud and Denise ask for a non-alcoholic beer. They eat popcorn awkwardly and drink their blurry beers. Denise makes Brandon "promise" that he'll do a "girl weekend" at her house with spray-tanning, pedicures and massages. His eyebrows lift and I can see him wondering if he can bring Dan over and show Denise what she should be doing with her mouth instead of talking. He agrees and they laugh, Denise's white trashiosity is again asserted (why can't they just say that she has no class, we could all be on board with that, right?). They wander out, the shot clearly showing that Denise hasn't touched her Kaliber and Brandon has only drunk half of his Budweiser which I call bullshit on. He ‘s not the type of guy to leave a wounded soldier on the bar.
next week
Next time on Denise Richards it's complicated: Some drama about the dogs, blegh, Irv getting pissy (yay!) and Denise claiming that she's fat and eyeing herself critically in the mirror. It's complicated.
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